Undocumented dating
 

Happy weekend, and Christmas eve!

Was just curious...

When dating someone, how long do you all wait before revealing your status? I've always been torn.

Is it better to do it more toward the beginning, when the relationship starts getting serious? (however at this stage, you may not know how well you can trust this person with the info, especially how they will handle the info post-breakup).

Or do you wait until trust has developed, and how long does that typically take? (runs the risk of the other person feeling lied to).

Also, feel free to share your experiences..how the person handled the info, how it affected the relationship, and if the reveal turned out to be a good or bad thing, in the end.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Do it at the beginning before it gets serious. I rather the person break up with me at the beginning than be in an unstable relationship. Ultimately our status DOES affect the relationship ie driving, getting a job, traveling and the psychological and emotional toll it takes on us. Some people would not want to deal with a person in our situation. In my humble opinion, the sooner that's out there the better, it can make or break the relationship. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

Re: Undocumented dating
 

She revealed to me that she was a dreamer right from the beginning.... my response: " Really? ME TOO!!!!" (Hahahaha). We dated for 10 months before she and her family decided to move back to Mexico after her dad got deported.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

lol..that's too funny.

I guess that's the sucky thing about our situation..that families and relationships have the potential of getting split apart.

If you asked me 5 years ago, if I'd ever date a fellow dreamer, I'd probably say no, considering the added stress, and no chance of either of us fixing our status via marriage. However, now that I've gotten older, I think falling in love with the right person is way more valuable than the potential of achieving legal status. And you have a partner who truly understands all that you're gong through, which is a positive.

But we'd have to eventually move elsewhere and start a new life together...Both of us undocumented in the US would be way too stressful.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I would love to date a fellow dreamer.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

usually secrets eat me away. I run out of excuses eventually. the sooner or better i guess

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Because of my situation, I avoid dating anybody who's not a citizen. Not because I'm a hypocrite but because that would just bring double the pain in my life.

So far I have only told 4 girls that I've been interested in and each time it has sort of backfired. Not because they were going to turn me in or anything but it IS a burdon that they don't want to deal with. With my first girlfriend whose family was from the same country, at first she didn't even know what it meant (my case is complicated) but after a couple of years it was apparent to her that I couldn't be the type of successful guy that she could show off to her friends/family etc. and she refused to even talk about marriage. I think partly, her people were telling her that I just wanted a green card which was not true at all. I found out recently that she was married a few years ago to a citizen version of me...it was scary that she even picked a guy with the same name and education.

It took almost 6 years later for me to trust another girl and tell her. We met and really sparks flew, except that she had already planned to move out of the state to start a new life (thanks to an ex). We kept in touch and when she came back to visit, it was instant magic again and she'd ask me why I couldn't come to see her in the NE and was suspecting that I was married or was hiding something so I decided to tell her. Right away, I could tell that her demeanor changed. Asking me how long it would take to fix it. I won't get too much details, but she was afraid that even if we were to get married some day, my lack of papers would taint her future employment should a background check be required. Sooo there we were. I guess the good news was that I could see that I could get a beautiful and smart girl to like me on my own merit. I still keep in touch with her but she's got a boyfriend. Bastard.

3rd girl, well, that was a mistake. She was a Canadian with a green card and she was really smart. On our first date she was asking me weird questions about why I do what I do etc...and she guessed it right away. Also mentioned she dated another guy like that before. Still keep in touch with her now and then but she's turned into a hardcore republican now thanks to the guy she's dating so I keep my distant.

And the last girl happened recently. Kind of funny because just a week before I met her, my attorney asked me why I can't meet anybody and I told him that at my age, girls want a stable established guy and unless they're uneducated simpletons, they can see right through me and know something is wrong...he recommended I date less educated girls. So what did I do? I fell in love with a doctor who sub-specialist.

With her, I could tell right away that she was thinking I was an underachiever with my background and since we had a mutual friend and I knew she was good hearted, I decided to spill the beans so she wouldn't think i was an underachiever. There is no shame with being a Dreamer but there is a shame in being a screwup. Needless to say, it doesn't look like I'll get the girl. We talk often but the problem is she also is ready to get married but to someone who is established and the thought of having ot wait for my paperwork to go through, looking for a real job, become more established, etc. is not part of her plan.

So yeah, dating as a dreamer sucks if you want something meaningful.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I was with the game girl for 7 years since high school and she even said she wanted to marry me. Throughout the relationship we both made our mistakes (she cheated once early on and I talked to a girl on facebook recently before the end of it all). But despite all that, we had a really profound connection together and she always supported me and my situation. But we dated in secret for at least 5 years since her parents labeled me a criminal just wanting a gc from her. Finally the pressure got too high and she couldn't take the guilt of lying to her parents anymore. But that was only part of the reason for our breakup. She also hated seeing all her friends getting married, starting families together while here I am still at home, I don't get paid half of what her friends do among all the other things I am limited with. I'm sure she felt I was holding her back in addition to her saying that she just didn't feel the connection anymore and that I wasn't affectionate enough anymore.

For now, I'm just trying to work and be calm about everything I can everyday. She's still pretty much my best friend and we don't hate each other, I just am pretty empty minded in terms of possible future relationships. The feat of finding someone attractive/smart/funny, etc. in addition to being open minded AND with a compassionate family AND not demanding huge financial stability/success seems unattainable right now. I don't know what to think or do so I'm just trying to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing and work and stay out of trouble and just believe that maybe someday things will get better...

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Stay positive guys. When DA passes, we dreamers will get all the hot girls8)8)8)

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Doubtful....a bunch of dreamers are borderline avoidance personality disorder cases.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I dunno. Anybody who wouldn't date a dreamer probably isn't worth it anyways ;) I just say this because I'm a USC and I married a dreamer. Hehe. It's added "stress", but if that person can't handle stress then you might won't someone stronger than that!

Re: Undocumented dating
 

So I went to this Christmas dinner last night and met this really really nice chick, we didn't really talk much. We basically spent the entire night looking and smiling at each other. Without me knowing my step mom went up to her and told her I was single and I liked her. Long story short I added her on facebook, the problem is I don't know where to go from here I don't know what to say. All am thinking about is my status.... Like she deserves better than me... I just don't know what to do. Should I try and talk to her... Idk...?

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Re: Undocumented dating
 

"She deserves better than me" That's a bad thing to be thinking about yourself. Your status here has nothing to do with who you really are and what kind of person you are and anything you can bring to the relationship. My wife says that a lot and I absolutely hate it. She's amazing.

So yes, you should talk to her.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Yes, definitely talk to her! I know that because of our situation, we oftentimes would rather not put ourselves out there, out of fear of eventually having to reveal ourselves. However, you two may turn out to have a pretty awesome connection, and it's worth trying, I would say. No risk, no reward...and the potential for love is a pretty good reward imo..I say give it a go! =)

Re: Undocumented dating
 

You gotta do it early on. If you don't, then you're going to have that bringing you down. I told my gf about two weeks into us dating, and she's been very supportive. We've been together for 2.5 years now, and i'm glad i told her early on.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I told my husband on the first date, before we started dating. I think it's best, don't surprise them later. What if he's a racist jerk? My darling is white. Not racist. Nice guy. But yeah, before dating. Definitely.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

After I had sex with the dude, I'd tell him about a few hours or days later.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Being undocumented affected my last relationship indirectly. I'm usually a cheerful person, but my status had brought on a moody, darker side of me. There are moments when I lapse into depression, and then go back to being cheerful, as if there are 2 sides of me. My ex fell for the cheerful part, but couldn't handle the depressed side.

The time came when I had to drop out of college for awhile coz we couldn't afford it anymore, and around that time I had to explain to him why I couldn't get financial aid and stuff and how I might have to leave this country soon. I guess he grabbed the opportunity to break up with me. He said he just wants to be with someone "normal", someone he can go out and have fun with, someone who might not get deported anytime soon. One of the worst days of my life... having to turn in my withdrawal notice to the school, breaking up, and not knowing where my future leads.

Without the distraction of school, I went to a bitter state of mind. The words "normal" haunted me. I stayed away from social networking sites, stopped talking to friends, just disappeared--partly because a part of me was ashamed that one of the smartest girls in school is now a college drop out, and also because it drove me crazy being around 'normal' people and seeing them live their 'normal' lives.

Eventually I decided to fix myself, and self-pity is getting me nowhere. I started talking to a therapist. I started formulating plans for the future, such as moving to Canada, etc. It gave me goals, motivation, and hope.

Now I'm back in school. My ex tried getting back with me, but he made it clear he doesn't want a relationship because he still doesnt wanna deal with my drama. I figured he just wants a friends with benefits kind of thing. I may be undocumented but I deserve a good guy as much as anyone else. I havent talked to my ex since then.

I felt that the whole experience made me doubtful to trust anyone, because not everyone is willing to deal with a significant other whose future in the country has a big question mark attached to it. It hardened me and it made me less willing to fall in love. I feel that someway or another this whole status issue would come crashing down. It's just hard trying to build a good relationship when you're attempting to build a good future for yourself.

Personally, I want to hold off dating until I'm out of here.If I do find someone, I feel that it will only hold me back and keep me stuck in this country. He may or may not marry me, and I would just be wasting my time when I couldve gotten out of here earlier. My sights are pretty set on leaving, I'm just waiting to finish my degrees.

3 of the guy friends I've told had actually agreed to marrying me for papers, which I declined. My status had already affected so many aspects of my life, and I want marriage to be one of the few things that remains uninfluenced.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

See, I haven't dated many people. I only dated one officially so far. He and I went out for 4 years, started in 10th grade in high school. I told him when weird things started coming up (like how come I wasn't working when I clearly needed money, can't travel, stuff like that). To be honest, it's not very hard to put together, especially in a small town like this one, where you have to drive everywhere and people start seeing that you can't get your permit, can't drive, can't work, can't travel too much.

Anyways, we loved each other, and before he had really wanted to be with me for a long time. However, it was hard, I mean at one point he moved out halfway around the country with his parents, and I couldn't even go even though his parents offered to pay for me to go. Long distance relationships are hard, even harder if you can't travel. So we broke it off, but then later got back together.

Then he moved out here with me, and we were serious, but after that time we started realizing that we had changed over time. I mean four years, that's what happens, and we just wanted some things from each other that neither of us possessed, and we were very different from each other. I will say, my situation was a big thing. The good was that he was there to support me and make me smile and distract me, the bad was that as time passed, I started resenting him cause before he wanted a marriage and then later on got cold feet. For me, if someone loves me, it shouldn't make a difference when they would marry me; if there's no doubt in their heart, they would. And if they loved me, they would want me to be happy and want to do whatever to make me happy. The people in my life that I love I would die for, so I want the same. I had wanted to be with him out of love, but over time he started wondering if it was for that. I mean I'll admit, I wanted it to be done faster because of that because it would resolve SO much, but definitely was not my main reason. I would also be so frustrated and sad and angry, and he started feeling guilty.

They say everything happens for a reason though, and I can say that they're right, because later on I realized we shouldn't have been together. We would've regretted it in the long run. We're trying to be friends now. We still love each other as people, and I think we always will, since we shared so much and we have the same friends and memories and past. So just tell them, because if the person loves you, they will stay there for you, and will actually make it better for you, even if they don't end up directly helping you :)

I wouldn't tell them on a first date though, That's something that unless they suspect or it's accidentally told, I have to trust people to tell them. They have to care about me in some way, because the way I figure it, I want the person to care about what I'm telling them about myself. Personal opinion though.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I'm afraid to date because of this. I don't feel like being undocumented justifies my short comings, because a lot of undocumented people are much more successful than me. I also have a lot of problems that have stemmed from my upbringing and situation and family history that make me kind of a depressive nut, and then adding undocumented to it probably doesn't look very appealing to people who want a confident girl with goals. If I ever were to date I would probably come right out with it, it's a huge part of who I am and I am not ashamed anymore because it's not my fault. :)

Re: Undocumented dating
 

i told my fiance and she is supportive at times, her family used to be undocumented but now theyre all citizens and forgot where they came from.....i love her but man oh man can it get rough.....her having to drive, me making little money and at times she has told me to quit going to school and get another job lol but she always takes it back its a sticky situation i have a son with her and i love them both to pieces but if i knew it would be as difficult as this being undocumented and trying to have a family i would just wait its stressful and for lack of a better word...depressing ..... i have told 2 of my past girlfriends i was undocumented and they all took it well and to this day when i see them they wish me luck ! so guys tell ur girls after a month or so , just find out where they stand on the issue cuz the last thing u want is a girl telling ur business to everyone!

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Considering that you have a son with her and all, why don't you two just get married? How long has she been your fiance? It will make life easier for you, your son and everyone else involved.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

ima wetback how the fuck am i gona pull these goldiggin american bitches. better hit up the titty bar....

Re: Undocumented dating
 

My thoughts exactly.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

+1, but change dude to girl

Re: Undocumented dating
 

marriage is not that easy.....say i get married to her then ok i will have to leave the country and get my "greencard' in juarez in mexico or wherever they send me out of the country then they hit me with the 10 year ban and im stuck in mexico, ive spoken to lawyers and not even having a child will let me fix my status without leaving the country....sticky situation!!

Re: Undocumented dating
 

They will not make you leave ;) Within 6months you will recieve a 2 year Temporary Green Card, after 2 years you will have to file a new application for a 10 year green card thats it. You will get everything within the USA without leaving. If you are afraid, than simply get a lawyer who will go with you to the interview, and file your papers.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

even if you are ewi?

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Not to be rude or anything, but some of you guys are way into the whole "i feel like im a burden type, so no ones going to want me", the problem isnt that you're undocumented, the problem is your lack of a backbone. I ALWAYS tell a girl that I'm going to potentially date, or even a friend that I'm undocumented, it's better to always be truthful even with employers because let's face it, if you're in a relationship and you continuously have to lie about why you can't find a job, or why you can't even drive then you're only selling the person you're with short. I do drive, but not on freeways (due to terrible eyesight and lack of funds to go an optometrist), but you have to make it clear to girls because let's face it girls get lied to an constant basis more than guys and the point is refreshing to be truthful and to stand up and see the qualities in yourself. Yeah you may not have a job, but many of us are aspiring to become more than $9/an hour wherehouse worker, most of us go to school and want more out of lives. C'mmon man, if the chick doesnt like you cuz you dont have papers than the problem isn't you, it's her, but you also gotta man/woman up and do you.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

no unfortunately if you are ewi you will have to leave, but I am sure that if you will get a good lawyer they won't do much to you.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I think the bigger problem here is that and maybe I am talking from my side I am sure that you will be looked upon differently than you would when you not tell that you are illegal. Many people have no idea about what is going on in the immigration and how we are dealt with. My friends don't know that my status is as it is, and I hear them talk about illegals when I am around me, and trust me they lack a lot of information regarding the illegals here. I just that that American's are becoming very stereotypical in regards to illegals. I think that it is something similar to how European's are stereotypical to Americans, that all of them are dumb and full of themselves and that might be true in many ways but also there is that other side... I dunno this is just me kind of venting and saying what is on my mind, and if it doesn't make sense oh well. :D

Re: Undocumented dating
 

So what if you're looked at differently? I dont know about you, but I rather let it be known and put myself out there than sit at home and feel sorry for myself.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

So I started talking to this chick, really really nice chick. Without me bringing it up she asked me about my past and all that (Didn't mention anything about my status yet) her parents is from my birth country. I asked her out, she said yes. We are going to see a movie, just trying to figure out the day. I can sense shes looking for me to lead the way relationship wise, so I guess shes looking for me to pick her up for the date and for obvious reasons I can't. I live in Florida and you literally need a car to get around. Should I just tell her about my status before the date...? I really don't know what to do....

Re: Undocumented dating
 

first and foremost I also live in FL and totally understand you on the whole needing a car thing to go ANYWHERE! thankfully I am a girl and its not as complicated for me ... but it still sucks!!!

If you like the girl just be upfront with her! she'll appreciate the honesty. You dont have to give her too many details but just what is strictly necessary, tell her you would love to take her out but you don't drive maybe she wont mind meeting up with you or if she drives she could pick you up... if she is interested trust me she won't mind and she will find a way to go out with you!

I am sure you have a lot to offer that is much more valuable than transportation!
If you like the girl enough take a leap of faith, if you don't you'll have all these what if's in your mind that will surely drive you crazy.
good luck! & let us know how your date goes = )

Re: Undocumented dating
 

So I came out to this girl, I didn't exactly went into details. But she just said "alright" We planned on going to the movies before I told her, but I've hear from her since.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

You've heard from her since, or haven't?

I usually don't tell anyone until it starts getting serious. If you tell them too early, before they get to know you for who you really are, then it's easier for them to walk away from what they may see as a potentially complicated situation. If they've spent quality time with you, and have started to fall for you, then they are more inclined to want to stick around, knowing you have great qualities and may be worth the added complication.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Sucks that you haven't heard from her but at least you gave it a shot! I think that sometimes its easier for those people that drive to "hide" their status and reveal it when the "time is right" for us non drivers we have that additional roadblock from the begining of a relationship. Hope that you find someone awesome in the near future that will understand you situation and look past it.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Worst day of 2012 so far, before I came out to this girl. We had made plans to go to the movies and stuff, having good conversations. Since I told her about my status, I have been having a hard time getting hold of her and when I did get a hold of her online the conversation would basically be "hi" and "bye" Last night she posted a status update on facebook about some fair coming to town and this guy asked her if she would go with him and also to be his valentine, She said yes. I just feel like digging a hole and burying my fucking self. I just feel like shit... I can't even think straight right now.. I don't think I will ever tell around person again

Re: Undocumented dating
 

You have no game bro. PM me I'll help you.