i'm unhappy
 

hey guys, i really need to vent.

After high school, i sort of lost my identity. People tend to consider college as the best time of their life, but life after high school was a nightmare for me.

I was happy in high school. i was social, unafraid, and unburdened. thus, i was well liked, and i had many friends.

College,
the nightmare for me wasn't the amount of school work, but was seeing people i know move on with their lives with such ease. Being able to go to school with financial aid, to work in large companies, take extravagant vacations, meet significant others, get married.

all things i'm not able to do.

i worked a job i hate all 4 years of college to pay for school, afraid to meet people i knew because i didnt want to tell them what i was doing with my life. Afraid to meet opposite sex b/c i can't deal with the fact that they might not want to be with me after they find out i'm illegal. ashamed of myself, at the same time. ashamed of the fact that i'm ashamed of myself.

i slowly started to see myself change. sometimes, i sit by myself and i ask myself, who are you and what's your life goal. i think and i think, but no answer will ever surface. i see no future for me, and that frightens me.

A year ago, i decided to leave, but my 80 year old grandma told my mom that i have no future in my home country with a BA since there is a lot of oversea people already there. i was encouraged to get a higher degree.

This year, i started my MS degree and i started to see myself in the same cycle i saw myself a year ago. everyday is the same routine, work, school, home. repeat. As opposed to the cycle i was in after graduation, work, home. repeat. and i think to myself "what a wonderful life". bitterness overwhelms me.

everyday, i slap a smile on my face to go to work, honestly i'm tired. i'm unhappy and near borderline depressed. i keep on telling myself 2 more semesters and your free. but life after leaving this country is also a question mark. i dont fit in with people from my home country. and honestly, sometimes i don't like the way they carry themselves and is embarrassed at time when i see tourists from my country. however, i dont think my home country is bad, i just think they have a lot to learn about etiquette.

i see no light at the end of the tunnel. its pitch black.
i'm 25 this year and i never been in a relationship. can you believes this. while many of my friends are getting engaged, married, married with kids, i have nothing. my parents thinks that marriage to USC is the answer to all my problems, but i can't even get in a relationship because i feel that illegal and USC spells disaster because the USC will always think your in it for the papers, regardless.

I'm definitely leaving after getting my MS. for sanity's sake. i need to leave before i jump off a bridge or something.

thanks for reading my rant. its good to get some stuff off...

Re: i'm unhappy
 

After high school, i sort of lost my virginity.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

you said you were 24. make up your mind. which one is it.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

You should count your blessings. It really helps to realize how lucky you are in reality. Even those people that have marriages and work for large companies struggle. People in our situation are usually very humble and that is something a lot of people lack, and it is hard to make TRUE friends when you think you're better than them. I struggle with relationships too. We only have one vehicle and I haven't learned to drive because of that. I'm 19, and it is a hard pill to swallow when I hear my 16 year old neighbor is getting his licence. A kid that considers me his big brother is going to learn to drive before me... So I don't ask out any of the girls I meet because I can't take them out on dates. Even when I know they can drive me around it just makes me feel like a loser and so I just leave it alone. But that doesn't stop me from making friends with them. So even though we share a common problem, try to let go of that fear that someone will not want to be with you just because you're undocumented. First of all you don't even have to tell them. And if they do find out and think of it as a reason not to date you, then you are better off. Don't let being undocumented get in the way of being happy. Because if it isn't one thing it is another. We just have to get a little stronger so our happiness is not dictated by our circumstances, but rather ourselves.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

oh and the fact that you have MS means that you're better off than most people in this forum so I'm not sure if they can give you words of encouragement.

actually, it should be the other way around. you should be telling some of these young kids who are getting through community college how they can successfully get through MS in finance.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

They meant this calender year makes them 25, it isn't that hard to deduce.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Who asked you?

Re: i'm unhappy
 

oh ok, you made it more clear.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

it was a parady of

Re: i'm unhappy
 

I guess that is funny, but this person needs encouragement not ridicule. And that is what it seems like you were doing.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

bro, once the op is finished with MS economics: international bus&fin, he can make a decent living in places like Hong Kong..

and r u still in high school?

and I'm trying to make it a light out of things. you don't have to answer back in depressing mood because that's the way op asked the question..

Re: i'm unhappy
 

though i feel bad for those unable to attend college, i think it's human nature to want more than they have. in addition, I dont think its beneficial for me to say "oh i guess there is people here who's doing worse than me so i should feel grateful".

it wasnt easy for me to get my BA, during that time, i was working 40 hrs a wk and attending college as a full time student with 5 course loads. every summer break i took up full time jobs working 60+ hrs a wk. i spent a year n a half working 60+ a week to save up money to go back to school. even now, i'm working 36 hrs a wk while taking 5 courses on the graduate level. success dont come easy.

and then after all that hard work you realize, "hey i'm going no where in life"

its a little hard to swallow.

i dont expect you to understand. but i really dont like ur attitude.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

No I'm not. I'm in community college. I understand now that it was a harmless joke, but I felt as if it was a little harsh considering what they are going through.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

i went through a similar thing in school.

so why don't i tell you how depressing my story is and then we can cry over it and then kill ourselves.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Re: i'm unhappy
 

wow, ur unbelievable. u've been in the same situation, so u should know better than anyone else how difficult that life was.

there is a fine line between being overly optimistic and just being plain delusional. if you think having a MS degree will give u a free ride in a decent job in asian countries then obviously you havent been getting proper information. Having a degree and not having experience means shit. there's tons of people with oversea degrees in major asian cities, and you know what they got and people like us dont? papers and experience. and you know what jobs we get when we get back? entry level jobs with salaries equivalent to 2/3 of what we earn here working under the table. and you know whats worse, major asian cities usually mean high living expenses. meaning you earn less and spend more. but hey, at least yu get treated like a person right?

next time you look at the bright and sunny side, be realistic.

YOU MAKE ME ANGRY!!!

Re: i'm unhappy
 

I got Tyler's joke...and back to meehx3,

I can relate. I was happy in high school then college was a 180. I felt that way during my first semester in college and the feelings creep up once in a while. Congratulations on the AS and MS degrees, that gives me something to work towards.

I got over my depression moments by doing what I liked: watching tv (asian dramas, BBC, and some american soaps, and soccer) and swimming. That's what I would recommend. And for the internships, I would recommend craigslist or backpage.com. Do something other than what is routine. Take a break, a short one so you don't completely lose your job or get behind in class. That helps me retain my sanity. And feel free to vent, typing may not be the same as physically talking to someone, but it helps.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

I got Tyler's joke...and back to meehx3,

I can relate. I was happy in high school then college was a 180. I felt that way during my first semester in college and the feelings creep up once in a while. Congratulations on the AS and MS degrees, that gives me something to work towards.

I got over my depression moments by doing what I liked: watching tv (asian dramas, BBC, and some american soaps, and soccer) and swimming. That's what I would recommend. And for the internships, I would recommend craigslist or backpage.com. Do something other than what is routine. Take a break, a short one so you don't completely lose your job or get behind in class. That helps me retain my sanity. And feel free to vent, typing may not be the same as physically talking to someone, but it helps.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

So basically, you're unhappy because you realize that you can't start out big?

You gotta start somewhere so you can start at an entry lvl position and then build your career incrementally.

By your own definition it's "entry level" jobs. after years of experience, your salary gets better.

So you would rather get paid off the books working at restaurant rather than work at a job where your salary gets better as time goes on just because off the books pay u more?

the reason why the living expense is high is because people who live in the city make a lot of money. And you have a chance to become one of them.

probably better than feeling depressed.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Big Black C... ?

Re: i'm unhappy
 

no, i'm depressed. period.


thats the reason i'm leaving. honestly, this job is tiring. mentally, physically, emotionally. but i think i became a better person because of it. it allowed me to see a world i wouldn't have known otherwise. how hard people work to earn money, how people can be so evil because of money. how much hardship my parents went through when we first arrived... it's a crazy world out there. i can't wait to end this chapter of my life.

haha, that actually made me LOL but watever.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

.................

............

why of course, your highness....

http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lr...t890o1_400.jpg

Re: i'm unhappy
 

At least you're on your way on getting your Masters! Leave the country once you graduate. A good life awaits you after you leave... I'm doing well in my home country, and just got a new job at a large international hotel chain. I guess I'll be traveling in a few years to any country except America. But that's alright :) You'll be scared at first when you land in your homeland. But trust me, it will get better as long as you try hard at finding the right kinds of job.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

I think the reason for some of the sarcastic remarks is that what you experiencing, though pretty bad, are the exact same things we all on here have either gone through, or are going through or will go through. Of course some of us have it better than others - those who can drive and have a SSN have some semblance of normalcy while there are those among us who have nothing.

All I can do is tell you about my own story. My first relationship was when I was 25 as well though I had met people before that. If you think about it, this is the perfect age for you to meet someone because you still have the cover of college to hide your secret. You have all the tools so the rest is your attitude and confidence all of which are under your control. Even if you're not going to find a LTR, just go out with someone and have fun - you can define fine lol.

Even as a Dreamer, 25 was one of the best periods of my life. Maybe at 46, I'll look back at now and think now was the best, but ask yourself this - When you're old and on your death bed, what would you give to relive just today as a young person.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

nah, i'm just playing around..

of course i know what he's going through.. if we don't understand him then who would?

Re: i'm unhappy
 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_s6BSp7HhYF...s/s320/Cat.jpg

Exactly.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

man...we can all relate so do yourself a favor and stop depressing younger generations of dreamers. You and Givemeachance should focus on encouraging others rather than telling people how you are emotionally scarred. Seriously, life ain't easy for a lot of people, that includes USC. Do what you can, take what you can get and move on with your life.

We seriously need Dr. Phil to intervene and help some of these "depressed" dreamers.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

what happens is..

as you get older you see your friends having many things going for them and then you start to compare yourself to them and then the reality really starts to hit home..

we don't need no Dr. Phil just pass the f*cking DA.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

We all see where you're coming from meehx3, it really is a tough time for Dreamers socially, mentally and emotionally. I do believe that everyone that goes through hardships but stands strong will eventually have good things come their way, that time is coming for everyone on this forum that is for lack of a better phrase "going through hell" right now.

You never know, you may meet your future spouse in a few days/months/weeks/years from now and you may end up having a very long and fulfilling relationship full of happiness, while those getting married now that seem to have it all may end up splitting up a few years down the line. Life can sometimes be funny like that, but it all comes together eventually, stay strong!

It's tough, but I remind myself everyday that things will get better even though they don't seem that way right now, I believe that they will do a 180 degree change for the better at the right time, I just have to take things one day at a time.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

I'm currently going thru something similar (I think all dreamers do to some extent) if not worse... Im still struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts but I am getting better.. It reached its zenith a few months ago when I was just crying in my bed for days. I really thought I was gonna kill myself but fortunately I checked myself in to an emergency walk in for counseling at school. Talking to a psychologist and psychiatrist really helped. I told them everything that I had been holding back behind a mask that I was wearing in front of my family and friends. Putting up a facade was giving me an inner conflict to the point that I thought I had a split personality.

Thankfully, God blessed me with wonderful family and friends that are helping me through this. I just wish i opened up to them earlier. Now, I don't have to pretend that I'm happy in front of them...and they'll grieve with me.
I still can't say the simple word "good" and mean it when I'm asked how I am doing but I'm hopeful the day will come.

I will finish my bachelors by the end of September, and then off I will go away from this country. It will be bittersweet. On the one hand, I consider california as my home. I love it here. I will greatly miss my friends that I have made here. I will miss all the great memories I have made here. I will miss the diversity... I will really miss it.
But I'm also glad that I will leave here because that means I can finally have an ID that says that I'm legal. I can finally drive. I can vote! I can talk to people without the fear that they will somehow find out that im an illegal. I can finally travel!! And go on global mission trips.

I try to find something to be happy about or thankful for every day. It helps me to be humble and ...sane. Haha. I think I'm going to go on a mission trip to some third world country after I leave so I can see for myself how lucky I have been, studying at one of the top universities in the world. I want to use the privilege I had growing up in the States to help others.

Lol. Sorry for such a big rant on my part! PM me if you ever need someone to talk to. You're not alone. :)

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Oh wow man, your story is inspiring to the core. Where you going off to first?

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Nothing is set yet. I have to go back to my home country first to get my existence? all sorted out. Lol. I'm probably changing my name to include my English name...so I would have to wait till I get my name on my passport changed too... I will try to find a job when I get back so I can save up for my trips and also look into potential grad schools back home.
Right now, I'm thinking China, Philippines, Tanzania, and Kenya.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

hey guys,

thanks for all those who shared their stories.
except tylor29, i didnt appreciate the sarcasm, but i get your point.

i go through one of these episodes every now and then, esp. when someone mentions "... look back on your life and have no regrets", i start to have panic attacks and go into this deep depression that makes my eyes misty. i was going through one of those that day.


its ok for guys to start dating at 25. most girls that are 25 are either in a stable relationship or married. the older the girl, the harder it is to find the right guy. once you hit 30, its either u settle or stay single for longgggg periods of times.

when i'm old and dying, i'm scared that i'll regret my youth, how i wasted it. it terrifies me that i'll regret not living life to the fullest, how i just sort of lived life waiting for something that probably won't happen. its these thoughts that makes me uneasy and depressed.

i'm so happy for you! can i ask what country your in and what's the situation like there?

Re: i'm unhappy
 

sometimes, i can't differentiate between whats real and whats the fabricated story i tell my friends. the guilt sometimes eats me away or something they say triggers a nerve and i just hide in my room for weeks without talking to anyone. i feel like i'm insane sometimes.

i'm glad ur ok. and thank you for sharing this with me. =]

Re: i'm unhappy
 

lols..

guys don't care about your legal status. it's not your immigration status. trust me.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Np. Seriously, if you need someone to talk to, don't hesitate to pm me. I have a friend that I got to know thru this forum, and it helped so much. We are really good friends now esp bc we go to the same school.

You and I may not live close or anything but we can still talk via emails or sth.
Don't stay in that hole; you need to fight and crawl out of it. And, you don't have to do this alone!!

Re: i'm unhappy
 

South Korea. The situation is okay. Of course, it's not like living in America but if you encourage yourself to adapt to new changes and work with international companies, it's almost similar to living in America. Surprisingly, a lot of the people I work with are Westerners.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Hey man I'm from china too, like you said things are very competitive overthere, especially the job market because china's overwhelmed cheap colleges. Possibly, if rubio's bill don't work out, I'm leaving early next year too when I get my AS. Some network in the family got me hook up on this teaching job in a private school over in Fujian

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Whats the point of living life unhappy? I know its tough being a dreamer but comeon suck it up. Theres people with horrible health. People that die at 17, its a horrible world we live in. It could be worse guys. Look at the positive side of things or else there really is no point in living. I've been depressed before but I just stopped. There's absolutely no point in feeling sorry for yourself.

Re: i'm unhappy
 

Beautiful statement.