Social Anxiety + Depression
 

It's strange to me that I've been battling depression for as long as I have now. I didn't fully realize how difficult it all was when I began falling into the slippery slope of self-loathing. I had no idea the immense gravity that something like depression has. There's always this vacant and wrenching feeling in your stomach. The thing I find most funny about the whole experience is I didn't actually realize that depression can be comforting feeling. Sometimes you don't know whether you actually want to get better and be happy.

To complicate things, my shyness became social anxiety. I've become absolutely fearful of being in public. I don't know what strange complexity I have developed. It's been eating away my ability to go to college though. I feel uncomfortable at all times. I just want to run out the door the minute I walk in. I started skipping class just because I couldn't take that feeling anymore; that desperation; that need to run out.

It just adds to my melancholy just how trapped I feel in my mind. Because I am well aware how blessed I am. Having food, shelter, a family that loves me, and an opportunity to advance my education. I think that is enough for me. I'm not a superficial person. I don't need the latest gadgets, clothing, and money. What I have feels like an abundance yet I don't know why everything still feels more gray than bright. Why is what I have not enough to empower me from climbing out of this crevasse?

Too embarrassed to admit to my family that I have issues. Everything feels so silly. I feel I should be able to overcome depression and social anxiety so easily. Other people make it look so easy to just walk about; not concern; not anxious; not self-conscious. Why can't I do that? Why can't I just be happy?

I don't really know what I am working towards. I'm just wobbling and trying to make sense of the zigzagging thoughts that bounce from the walls in my head and land back down to the same place. At times, I just want to say "EFF THIS!" and just put a bullet in my head. Put an end to my misery. I don't know if I will be able to be a productive member of society considering my lack of self-esteem and absurd fear of being around people that aren't my family. I don't have any passions. At this point, I wish I was even driven by an obsessive need for money. I'm a vacant soul.

When I was younger I thought my adult life would be promising. Go to college and study what I wanted then move on to do what I love to do. Somewhere along the way, I lost my ability to point myself in the right direction. Although, I haven't experience much in my 21 years of existence, this without a doubt is the most difficult hardship. That bouncing ball in those Zoloft commercials did not truly do justice to how cutting the sadness is. I don't think the majority of people that say they feel "depressed today" know what it means to be depressed.

If I ever come out to see a light at the end of the tunnel, I hope this experience leads me to appreciate what I've been given more. It's been a long time since I felt genuine happiness.

Does anyone else have experience with Social Anxiety and Depression?

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

I had social anxiety when I was in high school. It was till the point where I was mute, sweaty and all sorts of scenarios went through my head about what I should have done or said. I overcame that anxiety after I got engaged. Lately I thought I was depressed but not really. I just missed my family. I hope you find out what you want to do and what makes you happy and satisfied.

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

Looking back, I'll tell you that before I started college, I wasn't suffering from social anxiety, I was just extremely shy. But my last two years of college I developed extreme social anxiety which was fueled by my fear of speaking and still have mild doubts about my speech even now. It's very difficult to explain what I was going through. I would actually think of how I'm going to say something and I was anticipating people asking me certain questions and how I'll answer them. I think I had a very bad case of stuttering. To make matters worse, this whole stuttering and social anxiety issue was further enhanced by my subconscious which told me repeatedly that you are worthless because everyone around you has papers so you deserve to suffer like this. I'm no expert on this but I'll tell you what I've been doing recently to curb this difficulty. Physical activity is a major part of my life today. Hitting the steam room after a good work out rejuvenates my body. Also, changing to positive thinking can do wonders as well. Are you depressed because of your legal status or is it something else? If its legal status, then don't sweat it...its not worth putting yourself through all this just because of a few papers. They don't hold any sort of magic which will make you happy once you get them.

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

I never had anxiety but I was depressed from age 14 onwards when I realized how hopeless my situation was... it wasn't until recently (age 22) that I realized it's not so hopeless! The world doesn't revolve around America and there are millions of people living happily in other countries. There's much more to life than 9 to 5 jobs and minivans.

You can leave America tomorrow, travel the world, and fall in love with someone. Of course it's also good to get your American degree, and then leave the country. That degree will go a long way! You'll get jobs easier, you'll be more eligible for work visas, and it impresses women ;)

If you're insecure about your appearance like I used to be, go out and start running a few miles a day - you'll quickly lose any fat and get a nice tan. Maybe try a new hairstyle, get your teeth whitened. Confidence should help overcome your anxiety

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

Hi yr and cmo

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

First of all, thank you all for your responses. It's quite encouraging to hear from people who have been there and back.

I think it's a combination of things that have lead me to this point. I feel horrible for saying this but thinking back I think my family had to do a lot with my lack of self-esteem. I once had a drawing published in a local newspaper, I was quite proud, and all my family did was make fun of it. It was crushing. At the time, I wanted to be an animator but I gave up on it because I thought I wasn't good enough. It was comments like that just made me give up on anything I aspire to do. I didn't even bother telling them my dreams anymore and I just automatically gave up on them the minute I began even contemplating them. I kinda just realized that I was not bound to find happiness in the job or career I was meant to do. I wasn't good enough to do the things I wanted to do. My father especially gives me a hard time. I always felt stupid and inept. Not good enough for his standards, always comparing me to my brother. Even though, I did a lot better than my older brother. I graduated in the top 10% of my class without even trying. Although, that speaks more of the stupidity of the people in my class than of my intelligence. LOL.

It sorta snowballed with all my underlying issues: my shyness, my sexuality, my legal status, my inability to speak coherently, my general stupidity, and my peculiar sense of being. It just became easier to withdraw and criticize myself as a coping mechanism rather than let others hurt me. That took a lot of soul searching to figure out. Those are hours upon hours of self-analyzing. Although, I have no idea what to do with it. I'm not sure how to reserve my coping mechanism enough for me to even let me build an average self-esteem. I've tried being optimistic about life but then I'm reminded why I'm not.

Depression can be a comfortable numbness. Which is weird because I imagined extreme hopeless to feel very agitating, which it doesc but it also feels good in a way I can't explain. Masochism I suppose. It's a need to auto-destruct. I don't really know if I want happiness anymore. Then I think maybe that's just me trying to cope with possible disappointment if I try to lift myself up and fail. My mind is very complicated. To quote my fellow mentally disturb pal Charlie Sheen: “If you borrowed my brain for five seconds, you’d be like, ‘Dude! Can’t handle it, unplug this bastard!’ It fires in a way that’s maybe not from, uh… this terrestrial realm.”

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

I seriously feel bad for complaining about my life when people have it worse. I hope one day I'm able to find that type of peace and happiness all of you have achieved. It's truly inspiring. It really does give me hope.

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

All you

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

Ohhh noesss!!!! But...you've inspired me to do 2 things.

Re: Social Anxiety + Depression
 

Former dysthymic, agoraphobic, socially anxious guy here,

The trick to overcome the social anxiety issue is to see yourself as a different person, for who you really are in the ultimate scheme of things. The problem with being undocumented and feeling that you actually belong here is that although you may have grown up here you don't really belong here because you don't have all the liberties as everyone who has a residence card. You are trying to live a life that does not match your freedoms and therefore you can't think that way, you are going against the grain here.

As an illegal alien there are not many guarantees for you, you never know if you are going to get pulled over and deported, if your place of work is going to get raided, if you are going to have enough economical support to finish your degree, if you are going to be able to get that scholarship or loan, if you are going to get injured and not have life insurance, if the DREAMact or an immigration reform will pass soon, etc, NO GUARANTEES.

Seeing that there are more cons than pros to maintaining that peace of mind while in this situation, your only option is to behave like someone who's just fresh out of the boat or the Rio Grande. You are here to complete a sole mission and this mission requires your utmost attention and discipline since you never know if you'll be here tomorrow just like people send money back home until the can no longer do so: to work your ass off for whatever purpose (get a degree, open a business back home, etc.), to marry a USC, to find a trade that actually pays well so you can remain in the country and try to live as normally as possible until a bill passes.

My advice is analogous to the adage of living as if today was your last day alive. You need to take "risks" in order to prevent stagnation, depression can go on forever until you finally manage to rationalize your situation and discard the unhelpful thoughts. What seems to be a risk for you under your current mental state is nothing more than a chance for a normal person to grab some opportunity and even normal people often quit. You have to put things in perspective if you want to maintain your sanity--you are undocumented and have different needs but so does everyone else. Have you ever stopped to think how other undocumented individuals manage to attend their two jobs every day? They know they could get deported anytime too and this is part of their motivation, to make the most money in as little time as possible so they can improve their lives back home. You need to establish similar goals, to work toward something that can provide future opportunities for you, eg. work, go to school, graduate and save money, and see where you go from there, marry someone, move to your natal country and work to get experience so you can move elsewhere--you can even risk crossing back in many different ways if you really need to be here.

There's so much you can achieve as an illegal immigrant in this country, it's just that you have to go against the flow of things because the system has been set up to benefit those with the legal rights. It's important for you to remember that the American system in general rewards courageous individuals regardless of their situation simply because there's so much help and many opportunities for people of every situation. It doesn't matter what you are, as long as you are persistent you can make it in this system, persistent illegal immigrant, persistent worker, persistent student, you have seen and heard the success stories.

You may feel bad because your ambitions seem unreachable, because you know you are breaking some rules even if these aren't hurting anyone, because everyone seems to be moving forward when you are stuck, because you are stuck in a job doing work bellow your skill level, whatever your excuse you need to remember that all of this is taking place in your head, these are thoughts that produce negative feelings which simply become so out of control that lead to anxiety and depression.

Remember that this is a dog-eat-dog world, your parents can only do so much for you but after a certain point you are all alone in your struggle because it truly is completely personal, you need to look out for yourself and realize that everyone else is doing the same. You are the one who has been been making all the important choices all along and you are where you are because you have wanted it that way, it sounds harsh and it sucks but it takes some form of maturation to see things objectively. Ten years from now you'll look back at your situation and just laugh about how complicated you were making things, after all these are situations created by humans, problems that can be circumvented or solved in many different ways.

Psychologists won't help you find your way out of this conundrum, they'll tell you that you have self-defeating thoughts because you ideals don't match your living situation but that's as far as it can go. These people can't understand the situation you are in, my high school counselors didn't, my college counselors didn't, my parents didn't, people who aren't in our situation can't really put themselves in our places. Pills can't help you either (unless you actually have a genetic chemical imbalance) because if your condition stems from your frustration for not being able to control your situation, you won't be able to get back on your feet until you develop the right coping mechanism. In this case you need to become aware of your limitations, opportunities, your mental and physical abilities, and you also need to filter out the self-defeating thoughts that prevent you from taking control of your life. Any self-help book on emotional intelligence will help you greatly immensely with the negativity and will work both ways with your social anxiety and depression.

There will always be haters, people will criticize your taste in music, your hobbies, your favorite movies, your career, your migratory status and that's really as far as it goes in terms of how they can harm you. You won't get lynched for being undocumented, your employer won't call DHS on you because he's been harboring illegal immigrants before you and won't risk going to prison, your neighbors can call DHS on you but what proof do they have that you are undocumented? It's all rumors, officials need concrete evidence and even they need a warrant to get inside your home. Same goes for school, classmates, and co-workers. The only thing you can do is to keep your car in order because you can't afford to get pulled over, you never know what kind of cop you are going to get. I got pulled over once for a bad light, told the officer I was studying and showed him my student ID, and was let go with a warning. Lessons learned? Not every cop is an asshole, keep a clean record, and keep my vehicle in check.

You really need to look at your situation from the point of view of a regular human being. Your future is in your hands, there are millions like you out there, your situation isn't unique at all and has repeated itself throughout history, people don't care about us as much as you think and we only think this way because we are social beings, everyone has different struggles that can be overcome by having the right attitude except for those that inevitably lead to death.

Think really hard about your options, write down clear goals and give them dates, and remember this: The key to happiness is not giving a fuck while still managing not to fuck your life up.

Watch these, you'll enjoy them: http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/philo...-to-happiness/

Nothing in the world can take the place of Persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. The slogan 'Press On' has solved and always will solve the problems of the human race.
-Calvin Coolidge

Everyone has a talent, what is rare is the courage to follow it to the dark place where it leads.
-Erica Jong