Undocumented dating
 

Happy weekend, and Christmas eve!

Was just curious...

When dating someone, how long do you all wait before revealing your status? I've always been torn.

Is it better to do it more toward the beginning, when the relationship starts getting serious? (however at this stage, you may not know how well you can trust this person with the info, especially how they will handle the info post-breakup).

Or do you wait until trust has developed, and how long does that typically take? (runs the risk of the other person feeling lied to).

Also, feel free to share your experiences..how the person handled the info, how it affected the relationship, and if the reveal turned out to be a good or bad thing, in the end.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Do it at the beginning before it gets serious. I rather the person break up with me at the beginning than be in an unstable relationship. Ultimately our status DOES affect the relationship ie driving, getting a job, traveling and the psychological and emotional toll it takes on us. Some people would not want to deal with a person in our situation. In my humble opinion, the sooner that's out there the better, it can make or break the relationship. NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!

Re: Undocumented dating
 

She revealed to me that she was a dreamer right from the beginning.... my response: " Really? ME TOO!!!!" (Hahahaha). We dated for 10 months before she and her family decided to move back to Mexico after her dad got deported.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

lol..that's too funny.

I guess that's the sucky thing about our situation..that families and relationships have the potential of getting split apart.

If you asked me 5 years ago, if I'd ever date a fellow dreamer, I'd probably say no, considering the added stress, and no chance of either of us fixing our status via marriage. However, now that I've gotten older, I think falling in love with the right person is way more valuable than the potential of achieving legal status. And you have a partner who truly understands all that you're gong through, which is a positive.

But we'd have to eventually move elsewhere and start a new life together...Both of us undocumented in the US would be way too stressful.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I would love to date a fellow dreamer.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

usually secrets eat me away. I run out of excuses eventually. the sooner or better i guess

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Because of my situation, I avoid dating anybody who's not a citizen. Not because I'm a hypocrite but because that would just bring double the pain in my life.

So far I have only told 4 girls that I've been interested in and each time it has sort of backfired. Not because they were going to turn me in or anything but it IS a burdon that they don't want to deal with. With my first girlfriend whose family was from the same country, at first she didn't even know what it meant (my case is complicated) but after a couple of years it was apparent to her that I couldn't be the type of successful guy that she could show off to her friends/family etc. and she refused to even talk about marriage. I think partly, her people were telling her that I just wanted a green card which was not true at all. I found out recently that she was married a few years ago to a citizen version of me...it was scary that she even picked a guy with the same name and education.

It took almost 6 years later for me to trust another girl and tell her. We met and really sparks flew, except that she had already planned to move out of the state to start a new life (thanks to an ex). We kept in touch and when she came back to visit, it was instant magic again and she'd ask me why I couldn't come to see her in the NE and was suspecting that I was married or was hiding something so I decided to tell her. Right away, I could tell that her demeanor changed. Asking me how long it would take to fix it. I won't get too much details, but she was afraid that even if we were to get married some day, my lack of papers would taint her future employment should a background check be required. Sooo there we were. I guess the good news was that I could see that I could get a beautiful and smart girl to like me on my own merit. I still keep in touch with her but she's got a boyfriend. Bastard.

3rd girl, well, that was a mistake. She was a Canadian with a green card and she was really smart. On our first date she was asking me weird questions about why I do what I do etc...and she guessed it right away. Also mentioned she dated another guy like that before. Still keep in touch with her now and then but she's turned into a hardcore republican now thanks to the guy she's dating so I keep my distant.

And the last girl happened recently. Kind of funny because just a week before I met her, my attorney asked me why I can't meet anybody and I told him that at my age, girls want a stable established guy and unless they're uneducated simpletons, they can see right through me and know something is wrong...he recommended I date less educated girls. So what did I do? I fell in love with a doctor who sub-specialist.

With her, I could tell right away that she was thinking I was an underachiever with my background and since we had a mutual friend and I knew she was good hearted, I decided to spill the beans so she wouldn't think i was an underachiever. There is no shame with being a Dreamer but there is a shame in being a screwup. Needless to say, it doesn't look like I'll get the girl. We talk often but the problem is she also is ready to get married but to someone who is established and the thought of having ot wait for my paperwork to go through, looking for a real job, become more established, etc. is not part of her plan.

So yeah, dating as a dreamer sucks if you want something meaningful.

Re: Undocumented dating
 

I was with the game girl for 7 years since high school and she even said she wanted to marry me. Throughout the relationship we both made our mistakes (she cheated once early on and I talked to a girl on facebook recently before the end of it all). But despite all that, we had a really profound connection together and she always supported me and my situation. But we dated in secret for at least 5 years since her parents labeled me a criminal just wanting a gc from her. Finally the pressure got too high and she couldn't take the guilt of lying to her parents anymore. But that was only part of the reason for our breakup. She also hated seeing all her friends getting married, starting families together while here I am still at home, I don't get paid half of what her friends do among all the other things I am limited with. I'm sure she felt I was holding her back in addition to her saying that she just didn't feel the connection anymore and that I wasn't affectionate enough anymore.

For now, I'm just trying to work and be calm about everything I can everyday. She's still pretty much my best friend and we don't hate each other, I just am pretty empty minded in terms of possible future relationships. The feat of finding someone attractive/smart/funny, etc. in addition to being open minded AND with a compassionate family AND not demanding huge financial stability/success seems unattainable right now. I don't know what to think or do so I'm just trying to do what I think I'm supposed to be doing and work and stay out of trouble and just believe that maybe someday things will get better...

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Stay positive guys. When DA passes, we dreamers will get all the hot girls8)8)8)

Re: Undocumented dating
 

Doubtful....a bunch of dreamers are borderline avoidance personality disorder cases.