I came six years ago with my mother; she then went back and left me with my siblings after some years. My sister wasn’t nice at all after she left, as she doesn’t see how school is so important, and she only cares for things that affect her in someway.
My freshmen year when my mom was really good, I had a 4.37 GPA and I felt really confident about my “smarts”, especially when I back then I had about three years knowing English. And the high school I was going to was a “magnet”/college prep school, that the only way to get in is by taking a test. I was top dog!!!!
Well the after my mother left me, the next school year I started to screw up. My sister was all over me, finding an excuse for start arguing and make me feel like $&*. Without any parents at the age of 14 was hard, especially when people that aren’t your parents don’t’ really care if you go to school, and have a normal life.
I also was threatened to be sent back to my country because I wasn’t obeying my sister (Sometimes I would forget to take out a bag of trash) But the real reason is that every time she has a problem, I’m the one that she takes me as an anger management tool and expels all of her anger at me. (Once she threw me a cell phone and broke it on my head in half.) Especially after he “husband” left her with a pair of twins.
It has been really hard, since sophomore year I learned that many of my friends started to drive, work, and drink. I was left out of everyting for the reason that I don’t have a car, I don’t like to drink, and well without a car in Kansas you are bound to find no jobs. (no, not even the metro system works) I definitely felt lonely, with no parents and not one to talk to.
That year I didn’t do good, and I even go depressed (shaved my head once also) And its pretty a twisted experience to come home every day and have absolutely no one to be with (well except a bitchy sister, but she doesn’t count as company), and the walls lacking of good lighting from the poor windows of an apartment started to take away my sanity. It’s like being stuck alone in an island!!!!
Well I consciously didn’t know I was depressed, well I knew I felt bad. But when summer vacations came, my sister and I had so many problems that it was a plan for me to go back to Honduras… and she also decided to move to New York. I felt really sad to leave such a good school (I also moved to NY with her) , it was the only thing that I had, my education. Well during the summer I was so expressed an anxious about the situation that I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe when I slept, so night became nightmares to me.
The next year (which I ended up coming back to my old school because NY is so expensive) I was so depressed and tired of being depressed that I went to the free clinic and got a hold of a doctor, a psychologists that helped me. But I was still suffering painfully, especially at nights. I ended up taking medications for a while, but that wasn’t pretty (PLEASE READ ONE OF THE THESES NOTES AND U”LL SEE WHAT HELL I WENT THROUGH WITH MEDS, especially if you read the 8th one by Marilyn http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/...ld%2Cturkey%2C ) Please read it!!!!
Now my mind is so twisted, I don’t take meds any more, but all of this has made my life so twisted. There are nights that I feel like I’m going to die because of the anxiety that I have developed. Depression is still hitting hard, and my grades are not as good they should be. Today it was the awards ceremony in my school, and I didn’t get absolutely anything… And a senior got a scholarship to Harvard (a scholarship that I know I could get so easy) and it feels like its too late now, I’m a junior an my sophomore and junior grades are less than perfect. My ACT score is 22, and I think it is because of the anxiety… every time I get a timed test my mind gets blocked, it’s so annoying!!!!!
I’m so mad. I can’t believe my opportunities are gone. My GPA is 3.27…and I know it sounds like I’m just doing drama, but I just know that I can do better, plus being the best was the only way for me to get scholarships, and that now many schools like NYU, MIT, U of Chicago, Berkeley, and Harvard are gone for me. The only thing I have left as a tool is getting a really high score in my ACT next year before I start applying.
I’ve been alone for about two years now, and IDK what else to do. I’m out of steam, and I can’t just go back to my country. My parents are sick, and my dad could any day die. If I leave I won’t be able to one day be what I want to be (an economist) and I would have to work for living, not working of joy of my career. I get panic attacks almost all Saturdays (when I’m not at school) and IDK, even death doesn’t seem like a solution. I’m just trapped in my own twisted mind, my sanity is gone, and I don’t feel human. Science was spirit lifter, but now I can’t even pass an exam above 44%, and science is not soothing no more. I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep a full night without the demons molesting me (sometimes I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m having a heart attack, or I feel like I’m just falling backwards forever) ITS FRUSTRATING WHEN I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!!!! And sometimes I try to tell my peers at school and they ignore me, and many call me a creep because of the way I act (sometimes I get burst and do things as if I was hyper.) I have absolutely no one, when I talk to my family back in my country they are so indifferent about me… they can ask for 20 minutes the same question through the telephone… “ so what’s up?”… And I feel so left out. Its painful when they don’t tell you that they actually miss you.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?… I’m SUCK A COWARD TO KILL MY SELF, BUT LIFE IS HELL FOR ME!!!!!!