it's been a year and half since I lost my visa...

It was the most devastating thing ever happened to me. Our family's failure of renewing visa was fked up cuz our business was making profit. We filed motion but didn't work.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to asian country after being white washed

I only lived as illegal for little more than a year but feels like forever. Honestly, it's not any different from living with my visa except the fact that now I can't get green card through employment and that I have to live in fear.

Fortunately, I'm done w/ my CC, and I'm interning at a clothing store as a visual merchandiser this upcoming spring while waiting response from CSULB and SFSU. So, I do not have to drive to school anymore. I still drive around town but not too much compared to driving to school for an hour.

For first 6months, I lived in intense emotional state. I had depression(I still do probably) and I fought a lot with my parents. Even though I love them so much, I was pissed at them because they did lose many opportunities of getting different visa or even applying for green card because they wouldn't get rid of our shitty restaurant.

Unfortunately, we still have our restaurant. We have been trying to sell it since our visa was denied, but this economy is just wrecked that no one's willing to buy restaurant. I understand. It's suicidal. However, we can't just abandon the restaurant. Even though it's super slow, we still make enough to feed us. That's wat matters.

I'm really worried about how to get my funds for college but I'll see.

I don't know how you guys been living in here as illegal for such a long time.

My thoughts have been rapidly changing. I swear I was psychotic lol. First, I was on rage. I was pissed at government and I thought about committing suicide in front of state legislature building which is an hr away from our home. Then, I worked my ass off and got 4.0 to make myself smart so I can take revenge lol. After that, I changed my major from business to fashion merchandising. The only reason why I had business major was to get green card, but it doesn't matter now. So, why not do what I want? I thought I'd rather die studying what I want. I'm hopeless... I'm still trying my best but I think differently. Now, I feel dead. I feel like I'm trapped in this dark where the only way to get out is to die.

Now, I feel dead, but I also feel desensitized. I love America, but I don't have live in America. I know that I'll hate my life even more when I go back to my own country because of my super liberal beliefs, but it's not the only place. I feel like Whatever happens in my life I'll try to deal with it. If i can't, well I can say bye to this ugly world. Even though I hate my life, why not see what happens? Why not see if God is really fair? I can push that off.

I'm sorry for putting this long post up... I'm just frustrated and thought maybe this will help me clean my thoughts...