Exhausted

It feels like every time I might take steps forward, something happens and knocks me back. I took up running before Christmas and was loving it...but after 4 weeks I developed a stress fracture in my ankle. Now have 6 weeks in a moon boot.

I'm so tired of life at times and then I get guilty because I fail as a partner, son, brother, make mistakes at work...last night I even said something in a social setting that I knew was wrong as soon as I said it. I still feel embarrassed. But it's also because I'm so tired after the past year, like everyone dealing with covid and related stuff...feeling like you have to carry so much.

And to be honest, I don't care about mistakes, we all make them and we just apologize and make amends where needed...but I just wish that people around me would see through some of this and see that I am tired and I need care (even if it's 'tough love' to pull my head in on something).

But I often just feel alone with my stewing and thoughts. I share them at times but except for my psych, I don't feel like anyone gets them.

I am now starting to fear that I'll eventually give up and kind of do life functionally...in some ways I kind of want that, to escape my emotions and just say "stuff it" and not care.

Not sure what I want. I guess I'd just like to feel like life has some structure to it. To feel as though I have some control. To believe that I am truly loved by family and friends.

That’s life, take 2 steps forward and then take 1 back. I dunno about friends but for most, your family will always love and support you. I have learned that blood is definitely thicker than water.

Sounds like you need a vacation.

Bro/brodette, these are exhaustive times for everybody and especially us dreamers. The roller coaster ride of the last 4 years had me on a verge of a complete breakdown with the constant crackdown on immigrants and then having to deal with banking issues and their anti-immigrant policies and this was before COVID. Now I'm dealing with very serious health issues of a parent constantly going to doctor's appointments (many of which require yet another COVID test) and having to come to terms that I may lose them a lot sooner than I'm ready for and I still have the whole immigration monkey on my back while I'm dealing with all that....but that's life.

My suggestion is to get yourself a bike. Because of the lockdowns, I started riding my bike a lot more and even though it's a heavier bike not really meant for long distances (hardtail mountain bike), I put on some road friendly tires on that, put a rack on the back, got some handlebar ends, and on weekends, I just pack up the water and snacks and just find a bike trail and just ride. I started out going 10 miles which turned to 20 miles and now I do 40+ miles where for 4 hours, it's just me, my thoughts, and the Beastie Boys on my speaker (don't wear headphones..). It doesn't matter if it's 95 degrees and sunny or a Chilly 50 degrees (for me it's chilly), I get on the trails. It will do wonders for your soul.

When it's raining or really cold out, I take the damn bike a part and grease and pack and bearings or clean and lube the chain or adjust the derealiuer...it's calming and again leaves me alone with my thoughts. Nothing else matters when you're riding your bike. Plus you get fresh air, great exercise, and meet a lot of people. Sometimes you hit a bump or don't see a pothole and break your ass but again, that's life.

Man the F up. Make something happen instead of dwelling on sad little emotions you currently have. Control your life, don't get hooked into these depression bs mentality.

Maybe you're being too hard on yourself. Just relax and go with the flow. In past few years, I earned a lot of money, loss a lot of money, made new friends, loss old friends, and etc...It just change and if you take it one step at a time you'll be okay.