Mental health testimonies - Page 2

Can I tattoo this on my back? Copyright © gebodupa 2012

I'm currently a freshman in college, and although I have managed to survive throughout high school with these fears, slowly but surely I am starting to break down.
The effects of my situation are very transparent. I shifted from a social individual to a shy/reserved individual as the years pass. My desire to talk to people, have a connection, build relationships has always seemed to be interconnected to my ability to travel, drive, and significantly in trust and honesty, but it's pretty unrealistic to be honest when we are dealing with this situation.
At first glance at my life one can ask, "what have you suffered?"
I do admit that I have had an awesome experience in the United States accredited to my supportive and caring parents by traveling, eating out, hanging out with friends, and overall just simply being your typical 'American.' However, the emotional pain of constant lying and fear of activities that shouldn't even invoke fear in individuals has driven me to a point where I see no success in my future.

Now someone tell me, ARE YOU ENJOYING LIFE IN AMERICA?
(Jesus, I needed to rant because I was going insane.)

Sanity Check.

Reminds me of an article in the American Sociology Review titled "Learning to be Illegal: Undocumented Youth and Shifting Legal Contexts in the Transition to Adulthood" (http://www.asanet.org/images/journal...ASRFeature.pdf). I am currently working with Professor Roberto Gonzalez on a project along with members of IYJL (Immigrant Youth Justice League) in Chicago.

What he observes through that article is the process which many youth go through as they leave high school and head into college or maybe not into college but just the workforce in general, outside of the protection that they were able to get while in high school. Since at that time they are not denied education, they are not asked for pieces of documentation identifying their status (at least at the time they were not, Alabama changed that for a couple of months), resulting in being able to have an easier time surviving. But once you leave that context and head to the next stage of life, there is the appearance of a series of obstacles.

I am still in the process of reading the article and have not finished yet, mostly because it leaves me in a pensive state as I go back through my own experiences growing up.

I also survived through high school, and was immensely successful considering that I was able to get internships, take a couple duel enrollment classes, take AP and honors classes and attend one of the best high schools in the country. The future looked bright, there was interest being displayed by some very prominent universities after I had somehow managed to land an internship in one of the best nanotechnology labs in the country, yet, my status became an obstacle and I settled for the cheapest school.

I thought that I could navigate through the school without a problem just as I did through high school, but there was one difference, there was the appearance of additional obstacles, the cost of education, the lack of assistance, the lack of knowing the university's response and the lack of finding people that would be able to answer even basic questions considering my circumstances, needing to drive, unable to get jobs or internships. All of that hunted me from 2007 until 2011.

By the second year my mental status was not the best, I was angry at everything, but internalized all those emotions, it would occasionally come out in bursts but I was able to hide it from people, the only victims would be the dishes in the kitchen, the pillow, and the books.

By the time I figured out what was going on, I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and severe depression. The help I found in the counseling center was limited, they did not know how to deal with me, and their solution was to hear me out, which I do not think was a great idea, because allowing thoughts to come out without having any solution is not going to achieve anything other than allow me to realize the futility of my circumstances. The best thing that occurred was the end of the free sessions that the school offers (they cap it at 16 free hour long sessions).

Ending those sessions and not thinking about the futility of my situation allowed me to concentrate in school once more and my grades to go back up. Eventually I would take a philosophy class that would tackle issues in a manner that I found interesting, it demonstrated what seemed like a history dotted with movements that were comparable to ours all throughout latin america, the question on citizenship by those born from foreign parents had surfaced and been debated by De Las Casas a long time ago.

It allowed me gain the confidence to seek help outside of the campus from a movement that was gaining some traction, and just about a year ago, I told my story to a room of 40 individuals in the same situation for the first time, and started what has now formed into two new organizations on my campus, meetings with dozens of people every week and working on projects with the intention of finding solutions that will benefit more people in this situation. I have helped organize training sessions for mental health experts, know your rights workshops for parents, students and counselors, shout it out for the community, been in discussion in different culture groups to correlate in the similarity of our circumstances, and brought outside problems to be discussed in a place where immigration was never really touched.

At the lowest point my mental health started manifesting itself in very physical manners, from nausea, to headaches, considerable lethargy, inability to sleep at night, the occasional heart pounding anxiety attack (at least, not I think that is what I faced, they were sudden bursts of energy I could not explain what to do with and left me restless with my heart pounding very fast). Along with the inability to concentrate, the inability to block certain thoughts out, the inability to find enjoyment in what I used to enjoy before, having a hard time remembering things. It all combined to leave me in a very bad social situation, going from a person that could go to a person and befriend them quickly, to someone that was more isolated. Just in the last couple of months I have been able to find a lot more opportunities than I did the first 4 years of college, because if you don't ask for help, no one is going to know that you need help, that is what I have learned through this whole process.

That is exactly my personal situation. I just don't feel depressed, but I can't sleep, I had never gotten headaches in my life until the past few weeks, I'm lethargic and unmotivated. My social life sucks now. I would rather not talk to anyone in order to avoid impending doom. I need some guidance. Add on the stress from school and I feel like a nuclear reaction. I wish I had the ability to come to your talks.

@buckminsterfullerene - Thanks for linking that article.

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“Their entry into a stigmatized identity has negative and usually unanticipated consequences for their educational and occupational trajectories, as well as for their friendship and social patterns.”

This relates well to Gebodup post.

It’d be interesting to gather information on those who have been waiting for 10 years +. And compare it to those beginning their efforts. Or to those who has given up on legalizing. (Either by forced or self deportation.)

More on topic:

My anxieties have compounded: constant feelings of failure, mood swings, etc. I’ve given up verbally speaking to others altogether.

I lack a support system. But believe many of my problems would lessen if I had family, friends, etc.

so what do you actually have to do to save yourself from going crazy??

Possible answers:
1.keep yourself busy.

-with what? School? well i dont have enough money to pay for school. Besides if i do finish college, what the heck am i going to do with my degree... some of you may say, well make sure you take a course that will be in the S.T.E.M program.. and my answer is like, uhmm my brain can't handle those kind of course and its too damn expensive. Work? yea i have a job. ive been working there for 6 years. ive been there for so long to the point where i can do my job with my eyes closed. But despite of me being so reliable in that job, my salary hasn't been affected. HA! i work 40 hours a week and i get paid with less than the average per hour income. aint that a bitch?

2.hang out with friends

-what friends? oh do you mean, the friends i made during high school, but ever since graduation, they went out and made something out of themselves. went to college and graduate and now they have a career? and some got married and have kids? And once in awhile some of my friends will have a little gathering to catch up, and i will get invited but i chose not to go because its either they will go to a club or a bar, you know the place where i cant go? since i dont have an I.D.?

3.Get a hobby

-Hobby? sure i have a hobby.. i love to draw.. but seriously? how far can my hobby really take me? you can only do your hobby in a certain amount of time until it gets old and boring.. and you start thinking about the reality. the reality that life is passing you by.....

4.Spend time with family

-i love my family to death. But its kinda hard to hide your emotions towards your parents.. you know that bitterness emotion with a little bit of hate? Every time i have a talk with my dad about my situation it always end up, me being angry at him. Its hard not to get that emotional with him because i feel like he couldve done something to make it better. maybe im wrong, maybe im just looking for someone to blame. i dnt know.

5.be more spiritually involved

-Im a christian. Ive talked to God about my situation. Cried and Begged. but for some reason, He's not answering me.

6.stop complaining and think about the other people who's going through harder times than us.

-Yea, maybe there are other people who's going through alot worse than I am. But honestly, the amount of stress that this situation put me in. I cant think right. Im exhausted.


so tell me, what else should I or anyone else who feels like they've done everything to stay sane? hmmmm... I'm just really exhausted and i know all of you feels the same way.

annoying color btw... lol.

1. There are other ways to remain busy, I find the repetitious job to not be as helpful. Besides, we have to move away from this mentality that education is everything. While I may be sort of guilty for pushing that idea to some respect, it is just not everything in life. The point is, to keep reading, keep learning. I have done monotonous jobs, its annoying as hell, once you can do it with your eyes close, i simply recall just spending the time I did the work just thinking about my situation and that certainly did not help. The point is, try to think of something a bit more constructive. If you can't go to college because of the cost, then teach yourself. Frankly, I feel like that is the case when you are in some courses in the university level. There is ocw.mit.edu , and other universities have similar systems, I believe stanford and harvard have something similar as well.

2. Try to make new friends that understand you better, they are out there, trust me. As I was in college I lost contact with all my high school friends as they started to get jobs and internships and doing all these cool things that I just could not do, as their outings took place in locations I could not go to. But, now I have a new set of friends, these ones know about my situation and a lot share the same status, we end up working together trying to find ways to get ahead. It keeps us busy, doing something rather than nothing.

3. I have a hobby as well... I collect coins, you really cannot do much with that hobby either, lol. As far as my drawing skills, I would be lucky to draw a straight line, the point is, the hobby is to keep you busy some times, to have you think of something else when you have absolutely nothing else to do.

4. You have gone much further than I have. I feel like I keep my parents far away from everything I do, its easy for me, I am in a school that is located in a different state and I get far more stressed when I go back home, so I understand it. But it was rather an idea when you feel like you just have to tell someone something but are not willing to tell anyone else.
My frustrations are exacerbated by the fact that my parents are now Permanent Residents and my sister a US Citizen, and as by magic, the completely forgot what it was like to be undocumented, its unbelievable the kinds of mistakes and assumptions that they make, thus I had to seek other people to talk to.

6. I get you, I was in that situation a couple years ago, extremely lethargic to the point that I could barely function, its not pretty.

I don't think I can give a one size fits all solution, but I can say what worked for me. I sought other people in the same situation who are doing something about it, and I started to get involved. I took what I observed through my experience and I made it my goal to try and do something about it, and make the change that I believe needs to happen. I looked at a letter that I had sent still less than a year ago, which followed the first time I told anyone about my status, and in that time have planned well over a dozen events, given presentations to hundreds of people, talked to various professionals in various fields, and have been involved in one way or another to the explosion in new students that are undocumented at my school, created organizations and advocated for resources, talked to CEO's that would try to find a way to get away from me but couldn't because no one would approach them, and talked to people that seriously do not get it. Very little surprises me now in how people respond to what I tell them, but perhaps the most recent surprise I got was when I spoke to high schools from a predominantly black school who are not undocumented, and how fast they got it, how fast they understood what I talked to them about. I have talked to some pretty powerful people who just didn't get it, even people that consider themselves allies, and I gotta say, my hope in youth was enforced then.

I have also talked to other high school students in other schools that are in areas that are much worse towards immigrants and who are undocumented, and I saw a lot of people not only getting into college, but also having the support of private individuals that where paying their way through college, and that is something I did not observe when I was applying for college.

It may seem like things are getting worse and they are in some places, but the support is also increasing. The actions that are being taken against us are very unstable and dangerous and when exposed more likely to move this away from being a political issue to a human rights and civil rights issue.

Again, this is what worked for me, and it worked because I found such a group, I don't know that I would have observed the same result if I had not been fortunate to be where I am right now, but in the mean time, there is this group that is online and accessible to all that have an internet connection.

Wow, I thought I was the only one that felt this way. When I see people post on here, a lot of them seem to be better off than me. Honestly, if I went to college, I would be so happy, and if I had a job, I'd be somewhat content. I didn't have the money to, and I couldn't get any help, cause when I looked, everything kept saying US resident, so I ended up giving up. I now have a feeling of hopelessness that I can never get rid of. I'm in a weird position, because I'm an optimist and I try to get past things and look at the positives, but we have to deal with the regular problems that other people deal with, AND our problems that come from being undocumented. People wouldn't be able to tell how depressed I get some days, but it can be really bad sometimes. I seemed to have given up because I felt so helpless and down, and I'll get myself back up, but it's hard to constantly be talking yourself to sanity when it's the same thing, over and over, and it takes over your life. I will say though:

1. The keeping yourself busy, do ANYTHING. Trust me, even browsing through the internet, working out, learning, reading, writing, I help out at my house and my parents...that has kept me from going crazy when I'm not out with friends.

2. I have friends that have been going to college, are moving on, but they're my friends, and they understand. The ones that know, they don't get it but they understand, and will accommodate for me, and even the ones that don't (although they have to suspect by now), they do too because they think all of my problems are because I'm poor, don't have a car, which is the big mode of transportation here, which explains the lack of a job. So make friends. You never know, some of them might help you, even without their knowing. For the ID, get a passport. If you ask before you go, there are some places that will let you in. A customer's a customer. I've gone clubbing and used it as ID to visit friends at college; the worst they do is ask me little questions or look at it curiously.

3. Keep changing your hobbies. Try new things. Get Netflix. lol.

4. This one is hard for me. Can't help you there. Let me vent.I hate my house. I see them all the time cause I'm not off at college or working. I hate being mean but I can only take them in small doses.I know they had their best interest at heart. They clearly didn't think through though. Now I'm not bitter or mad at them for the past, but for the present. Cause I feel like sometimes they make it worse .My dad still gets mad when they know someone else knows. It's supposed to be our dirty little secret even though it's so OBVIOUS!! I can't drive, don't have my license, have a passport as ID,don't have a job, can't get help for schooling even though I was a smart girl and should be poor enough to get all funding??? I can be a good liar and cover up well, but I can't cover the big elephant for very long. My extended family's no better. That's all they can talk and ask me about. That's why I barely talk to them. I have nothing new to update on; only different things in my life are boys and friends. They try to tell me to suck it up, to get a job, telling me what I SHOULD do, like really? You don't think I've thought of that? I'm not an imbecile, and it's all I constantly think of, so OBVIOUSLY I've thought of every single thing you have told me. I love my family, don't get me wrong. They think they're helping, but it does the opposite.

5.
Good luck with that. I was actually going to make a post about this. I love God. But I have been so angry. I have begged for signs as to what I should do. I get signs, but not about this. I felt awful because I got angry at God. I know I'm not perfect and don't follow all of that to the letter, but honestly, I'm not that bad. So why am I like this when He knows how hard it's been? I need a break. We all need a break

6. I used to think this way. I still do. But if we don't complain, it gets all bottled up. I don't know about you, but bottling up that anger and those awful feelings I have had would've been the worst idea. I function because I let them out in some way.

Even with that I have anger problems too. I've learned to control my anger through my father, because he would never tolerate that. But the amount of anger I feel inside once I do get angry...I don't think it's normal. There are other things to contribute, but this is the major reason. My status is like the virus of my life. It infects everything in my life. In some aspects of my life, it's dormant. In others, there's an immunity. The rest, it's consumed and taken control.

The anger's subsided, but the hopelessness is worse. It's a cycle for me. Feelings of sadness/ depression/hopeless/helpless/anger. And around it goes. I will say though, I'm grateful I don't seem to have problems as severe as others. Kudos to you all on getting through all of this.

Usually before I go to bed I pray for myself, my family and those that are less fortunate than I am. Last night I prayed that I wouldn't wake up =\

Pray for something else..