Insanity

When I'm not going through periods of denial or borderline psychotic hope (THIS IS THE YEAR! I WANT TO HUG EVERYONE!) I realize I'm completely engulfed by the fact I'm an illegal immigrant. I'm thankful for what I have, the chance of going to school, furthering my education, meeting new people, etc, but my status has really affected who I am, to the point it's annoying.

I'm constantly thinking of ways I can spread the word. I try to find facts, studies, I read polls, ALIPAC, this forum, Immigrate2us, every day. In everything I do I am limited by my status. I can't get sick (no health insurance and my parents' income goes entirely to my tuition), I can't drive up two hours north to Canada with my friends. I can't take a train because I'm too paranoid, and recently after ferry arrests I can't take ferries anymore because I'm too scared. I get calls and e-mails from my dentist (who I rarely see because I don't have the money, though I SHOULD see her), and from my school, reminding me to add my SSN because it's important. My school counselor tells me to apply to travel abroad, that it's the most enriching experience there is, and that I would get into the program in a heartbeat and I just nod and quietly say "I would love to...'

When my friends talk about financial aid and say "aren't you glad we get aid? what would we do without it?" I feel sick because my parents can barely afford anything after paying for my tuition every quarter (I go to a University and although I get instate tuition, it's still a lot for my parents...). When they ask me why I can't vote, I lie through my teeth and say I'm just on a visa. I live a lie. No one would ever suspect who I really am, and it upsets me so much. They ask me why I don't travel abroad ("financial aid helps you out!"), why I don't have a job ("you're so lazy!"), and why I can't visit my family in our country ("don't you miss them?!?").

I talk to my boyfriend about my status, about how we have to fight for our rights, I get jealous because he visits his family 5 times a year and travels to his home country at least every couple of years. I get jealous when people go to the freaking doctor... because I know I can't afford it. I'm jealous of them traveling abroad, getting to know new cultures. We argue because he thinks I'm crazy sometimes, that "my time will come" and that I need to be patient, and my only response is "I'VE WAITED FOR YEARS, WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT PATIENCE?"

I truly do think I'm insane. Do any of you ever feel that way?

Erase / Rewind

Dream hope,

As I read your post I cannot express anything but comfort to know and read that there is in fact someone out there that is similar if not in the same position that I I am.

Daily, I feel depressed.
This insecurity and fear has converted my life, and molded me probably into a hardshell with no heart. Yet, I have hope.

Hope, that has been renewed by magraduate and the activists and people I meet on this forum as well for other sites.

Your situation in traveling, health insurancem, tuition costs, family abroad, heck even relationship is not far from mine. Actually, I got fed up with my last girlfriend for not being more uunderstanding of what I am going though. I broke my relationship and pushed the one I love aside for being so insensitive (sp?), for what for now having a broken heart and have nothing or anyone to talk to for that matter. My friends are gone to university far from where I live, I only have you guys to console me, and when I see fighting in here it breaks my heart, since many of us are so similar to each other that we fail to act as an unified to team tpo target the enemy.

The dream act means everything to me, mostly my parents who sacrifice their lives to give me a bettter one. While I know that nothing gets forward and done without activism, I find myself engulfed in paranoia.

Im paranoid to post comments in articles, fearing responses.
Im paranoid of sharing my email.
Paranoid of telling anyone my story.
Paranoia, is my new mother to say more or less.

Everything I do, say, post is looked over because I don't want to screw up....

I love you guys.
All of you, while I may not be as active and post as often know that im always reading and fighting, even with my paranoia and all.

I hope I don't sound dumb posting all this.

That's the first thing I'm gonna do too And travel to my home country and kiss the ground under my feet. I can't wait to see my family...

I should start making a list of all the things I'm gonna do I can't wait to apply to a job!!!! and get a loan!!! and see my parents finally save some money so they can enjoy their last years.

are you kidding me? we all feel this way! haha

just try to laugh it off and distract yourself, we all are going through the same thing. but your boyfriend's right, your time, our time, will come. just be patient.

S.Aran,
Don't be embarrassed or think this is dumb. This is who we are. It hurts me when my boyfriend doesn't understand. He gets mad sometimes because I'm too busy writing comments to people, checking out change.org, e-mailing family and friends, finding support, and he asks me why this is so important. The DREAM Act is my only hope, my life depends on it. It hurts me that he can't understand, but then I realize no one really can. They can sympathize, yes, but they can't possibly TRULY understand what we go through.

Our struggle is different from our parents', their ultimate dream is to go back home to their culture, but THIS is our culture and the only home we know. We're a completely separate group from who they are, and it's hard not to feel alone sometimes.

I'm paranoid too, because I or my parents could get deported any day. Knocks on the door make my heart beat fast, I get sweaty, and I have to calm myself and realize it isn't rational. My first instinct, though, is always to hide and try to be as invisible as possible...It's hard, because I like to do things, but it seems like my status always seems to come back to haunt me. I belong to a close-knit organization in my school and they're planning a trip to Canada because it's cheap and close. How can I remain both active in my school so I can breathe a little and take my mind off things, and then have to deal with stuff like this? I can't.

Not to mention the daily insults we all endure, about how lazy we are, why didn't do it the right way, why are we here, how we ARE NOT U.S. CITIZENS and because of this we deserve no rights? It's unfortunate that we are so intelligent and capable, and that the sole fact that someone being born here gives them more rights. Some of the most offensive people I have encountered are the most uneducated, they can't even spell, which is not a big deal, but they take so much pride in the "language of the land" (which isn't even official), it's almost humorous.

I'm sorry I ranted so much, lol. I just felt like letting it all out!

Best of luck to all you dreamies...I can only hope that one day there will be no more use for this site and that we can make a new one about the successes and infinite happiness that comes after getting a piece of paper that turns us, nobodies, into someones who can change the world. I'd love to meet you then and give you a hug while I cry WE FINALLY DID IT, THIS WAS WORTH IT.

Thank you for bringing me back to reality, CookieEater I can't wait till our time comes so we can party together and talk about our successes

Humorous is right.

Im a political junkie.
When I talk about policies. Senate, representative people are bug eyed and are like WOW YOU KNOW SOOO MUCH, and I reply im involved, besides this common knowledge for any citizen, right?

You know how many, I don't care, I don't like politics, the government is only here to collect taxes I get?

Its ludicrous. How can you not even know the basic fundamentals of your own country?

It makes my blod boil with anger, when I hear such comments. But then I remember, someday, someday ill show them why it matters so much and how we all made a difference!

I don't want the DAP to dissapear, if anything id like for it to be a reminder of what we all di and then use it to mobilize other causes!

S.Aran,
None of my USC friends really care about politics, and I find it embarrassing because being so into politics myself, I can't even vote. But now I'm trying to not talk about politics so much anymore, because I get the "well why don't you vote then?" so often I just got fed up.

Erase / Rewind