sickness

... what can i say..

maybe .. just maybe you guys might have felt the same way as me before.
being an illegal immigrant. not my fault. but by someone else.
not blaming my mother or my father. but blaming someone else.
someone that have made a wrong choice....
it hurts.. it just hurts so much that it rips my my heart off a part.
i can't even breath. i just want to give up everything. everything that
i achieved living in this country for. everyhting that i have made and accomplished doesn't mean anything. some times your families can be your worst enemies wanting from you to become better. they expect you to be some one that can contribute to society which can be sucessful. but me.. I just can't. it hurts me. sometimes when i'm drunk trying to explain my true feelings they think its my weakness, tryin to explain my self to get out of my true reality. but its not... its not my weakness i'm juss borrowing my alcohol to try to explain what i truly feel and think about my real situation that nobody understands.... it hurts. it hurts and rips my heart a part. i'm sick.

I have felt like that at time in school when I would get awards I just felt like it was all just a lie like I didn't deserve it I felt like I was lying to everyone. People would tell me how smart I was and the more they told me the more irritated I became feeling like I didn't deserve any admiration because in the end it was all for nothing. Having to put a smile on my face and sound like I was exited about my futures for what sitting in my room day after day doing nothing thinking of all the things that I should be doing with friends but instead I waste away hoping that my life will change in the near very Near future but as the days pass I feel less enthusiastic about my future I just want it all to end I want to wake up in the morning and have meaning have a purpose and not just be. It hurts me when I think that this was my moms fault because I know that this wasn't what she wanted for me but I still suffer just like everyone else trying to make sense of this reality that sometimes feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from since I was young my family has always expected me to be a good student and achieve goals that they couldn't but most of the time I don't have the will to do anything it all seems so insignificant, no, no it seems pointless why fight when you know how it will end in your absolutely failure. I know that this isn't the case all the time and that after a while things change but what about now what to do with this time how can I make myself feel happy when I feel so left out from the world.

yes it sucks being in our situation. There are times when i feel sad and depressed out of nowhere for days then it'll go away and I try to forget about my situation and i feel better. Ive been feeling dizzy and with headaches at nights for the past days. I try not to think about my situation and just pretend I'm normal to make myself feel better. But it doesn't work trying to ignore it all the times because that's my reality.

Well, is is good that I am not the only one. Curiously, just wrote a blog about it.

It is good that you admit all these feelings to yourself. As great as this country is, we were wronged right. This is an injustice. Thus, it needs to be fixed. Then, the question becomes, what I am doing about it? What Can I do about it?

It really does not matter if it is a lot or a little. Doing something about it is the only thing that is going to heal the wound and take you out of the darkness and into the light. The compassion towards yourself and others alike you, will give you power to do what you though you couldn't do.

The truth is, it is not your pain or my pain. It is our pain. Your burden is my load and your shoulder is for me to cry. No one is in full control of the world. Bush got a thriving nation with a surplus and blew it out in 8 years. They though they could do whatever they wanted and they were wrong. Now, you from all people will change the status quo, not only for yourself but the sake of those dreamers that can't do nothing about it.

The issue is not to have the world and make the kingdom thrive. The issue is to have nothing and make something out of it. That is what separates the animal from the human.

i feel you guys, but u know what its easy but i would still like to say hang in there good days will come and what we have learned being in this sh.... whithout us being the one who makes a decision. we learned something that no one will ever be able to learn so hold on to your patience.

You are not alone in the way you feel. After being in this situation for so long it is only normal to have feelings of dispair. Being undocumented does not define who you are, so please dont define yourself by that term. You should be proud of everyhting you have accomplished. Try to channel your emotions and frustrations to find ways to accomplish even more wonderful things. Dont be ashamed of who you are! try not to use alcohol to mask the pain that will only add to your depression. Keep your head up and dont give up.... good times will soon come.

Dude, chill, don't go Emo and reach for the razor blade just yet....

We've all had it rough, i've just learned to block it all off (apparently not healthy either)... you just kind of go numb after a while. In fact just reading about the dream act saddens me sometimes. It may sound fucked up, but read the personal stories of others and see how much "better" you have it compared to them. I really wish I could live like many other "illegals" I know who are out there doing whatever they want w/o any fear of repercussion. I truly feel that's how it should be, we're just like everyone else, and lacking a piece of paper should not belittle or worth.

For years in middle school and High School it was this "anger" that made me push forward...I'd say to myself, "Pinches gringitos, what makes them think they are better than me". I guess I used the anger to my advantage, to "outsmart" or "outgrade" the others, make them feel the humiliation that a "broken-english" mexican could put them in their place. In retrospect, it was irrational and much was driven from stupid "patriotism" and rencor towards the whole Guadalupe/Hidalgo/Santa Ana/mexican war deal....

in college thinks changed, I saw that it didn't matter, reality kicked in, they were "better" than me because they had that card, but just keep at it, I got through it scathed but alive and the only difference between you and them is a flimsy piece of pressed cotton.

I've felt the same way for years... it's so difficult.
I did well for school for the most part, but during my senior year, I went through a horrible depression that lasted over 2 years.. I had times where I would just give up completely. The principal, my teachers would call my parents and ask "what's wrong?" They all thought that my mom's illness was the only thing to blame. It's been so difficult. I've been on the verge of wanting to just die.. I've been on anti depressants, because I thought.. If I don't take these pills, I'm going to die.. it was horrible.
It was difficult to do well in school when I knew that as soon as graduation came... nothing.
We had a class in my high school where the teacher made us apply to colleges and financial aid, scholarships.. and when someone got accepted to something, she would announce it. It made me feel like crap.. so I skipped the class the whole year.
It's hard to know that you cannot be independent. It REALLY SUCKS.
Yesterday, I woke up and started daydreaming of what my life would be like if I was legal. I stay at home most of the day, every day. I just moved to a different state with my husband and know nobody.. cant get a job, cant go to school.. so I was just dreaming of driving to the library, the park. And then, Ithought about driving to work.. and I wondred.. where would I work..??
..then I realized that the possibilities were ENDLESS! I could do ANYTHING. I wouldn't have to go apply at some run down restaurant or fastfood place and hope they don't check legal status.. or that they forget about it.
It was amazing.. lol I feel stupid.. but hey, a girl's gotta dream, right?
Don't give up..
Some days I just want to go back to Mexico and get it all over with.. to just be able to do something without worrying if I'm going to be allowed to do it or if I'm going to be judged.
Hopefully, this will all change.

I feel like we keep being put on the back burner, like we're not quiet important enough to be taken care of. I feel like our existence is often overshadowed by people's greedy desire to get ahead in life by using our cheap labor and degrading us just in order to feel like they matter.
The truth is, we're human and we deserve to be treated equally. We deserve a future but like all great events in history, we have to push.
The emotional side of this whole thing is a whole different story.. It's really easy to believe that you are worthless when the whole country tells you that you are. You can't measure your self-worth by this though.

I know what you mean. When I graduated from high school, they announced our names, one by one and they mentioned the activities too,, and the colleges they were attending. When my name, nothing. I felt like dying. I almost started crying. It was supposed to be one of my happiest moments, but it was one of the worst. Looking back on my high school graduation, I am not proud of myself. I am ashamed. It's one of my worst memories.