i've been creeping

so i've been creeping around the site for a while now. i mainly just read all the other posts and i'll add my own two cents every now and then.

however, i think i should kinda introduce myself.

as the name implies, i am a future beneficiary of the Dream Act. and indeed, i am a bit of a hippie. yes, i've worn flowers in my hair. and yeah, i have a plenty of tie dyed things.

i was born in mexico in 1987 in a beautiful city north of Mexico City. my grandfather was part of the bracero program during WWII. my father traveled legally throughout the southwestern united states as part of his college track team. my father's older sisters had legally immigrated to the united states and started building lives and families here. in the early 1990's, there were talks about moving our family to the unites states as well.

i remember i was 5 years old when one day in the summer of 1992 my mom woke me up in the middle of the night (or early morning) and had a few changes of clothes packed. my mother, my younger brother, and i crossed the border along with my aunt and her husband (both legal) through a checkpoint. i'm not going to give out particular details on this, PM if you really wanna know. my dad initially tried to cross through the desert, but he was detained. he tried again a few days later and made it through.

i grew up in the midwest knowing i was illegal, but not knowing the repercussions of my parent's actions. my dad would always joke about us being "mojados" (wetbacks), and i knew that being one wasn't a good thing but again, i didnt realize what being illegal was all about. in my young naive mind, i figured that once i was old enough, the situation could be easily righted.

it wasn't until i was in third grade and living in michigan that it finally start to click in my head. my school had a mini saving program thing with a local bank in which you would bring your change and in like 2 months you would get a check for all the money that you saved. i remember i was so excited because math was something that i totally digged. i filled out like half the form and took the rest for my mom to fill out and sign. well, you can imagine my heartbreak when she told me that i didnt have a SSN and that i woudlnt be able to open up the savings account. it hurt even more when i was the only kid who didnt participate in the program. this about the time when i started drawing inward.

i grew up and soon elementary school because middle school. i grew up in a really really white place. i could count the number of minority students on two hands in a student body of 100+ kids per grade. i felt even more alone. i started doing a little research on my situation and possible ways to rectify it. but you guys know the drill, there are no options when you dont have close family who are legal. i sank into a really deep depression. i barely ate. i slept all the time. i threw away friendships. i was going to kill myself october 2002. i was in 8th grade and 15 years old. i had been in the united states 10 years.

and sad thing is that i had so many ways. drinking bleach. stuffing wet towels under the bathroom door, mixing bleach and ammonia, and breathing in. air embolism in my neck vein with a needle i stole. cutting my wrists and sticking them in hot water to prevent coagulation to make sure i bled out. tying weights to my feet and jumping off the pier and into lake michigan.

basically, i felt unworthy of living. growing up illegally and not being able to tell anyone. forced to go to a catholic church when i was struggling with my non-heterosexuality. having my mom diagnosed with lupus. watching my dad abuse my family physically, mentally, emotionally ... it was too much. but lucky for me, i had a ton of people who cared for me. but most importantly, an adoring little sister born in december 1999 and perfectly healthy when the doctors said she could have down syndrome or learning disabilities (because of my mom's lupus). i couldnt stand her watching me destroy myself. i didnt want her early memories to be tainted by the fact that i was weak and couldnt cope with life. i didnt want her to look at pictures of me and see this hollow-eyed somber girl.

you know, that little girl got me to get my sh*t together. i studied harder than before. i was outgoing again. i stood up to my dad even when he beat me up. i got my butt to a therapist and even took antidepressants. i even came out to my mom and she didnt murder me like i thought she would. lol =]

up until that point, i hid the fact that i was illegal. once i got to high school, i told my school counselor and i told my therapist. and just by the fact that they didnt shun me or think less of me ... it was amazing to be seen as a normal pretty teenage girl. i graduated high school in 2006 with like a 3.6something. but most importantly i made it to college. =] and i'm proud my little sister saw me make it.

i'm a sophomore studying accountancy and spanish with a general business minor. i'm in the honors college at school and overall i have a 3.89. i hope to graduate with at least a 3.95 for the highest honors within 8 semester.

and i've made up my mind, if the US doesnt want me. then i'm going back to mexico. however, i will be infinitely grateful for the 12 years of free schooling i got in america. i wish i could contribute back to this great nation for all it has given me, but at this point in time, i simply cant. at the same time, if the dream act isnt passed by 2011, i'm definitely leaving. but if it does, then i'm here to stay =]

thanks for reading my book =]

Hey..welcome to DAP.

By any chance, did you go to college in NYC? And were you a student in the CUNY Honors College?

I only ask because I was a student at CHC too. You can PM me the answer if you're not comfortable answering on this thread. I'm just curious, no particular reason.

Woah!

good to see you typing bro........

i know what you mean about growing up with an abusive father, not me though. I witnessed my cousin fall apart to the point of almost killing herself, her father beat her and her mother. her dad's in jail now though, hate to say it but it's good that he's in there.

I'm in the same situtation about trying to set an example to my three younger sister's. I always tell them to kickass in school and keep up their grades, because it aint funny once you graduate, all the fun and games just end crossing that stage. Luckly for them, they're citizens. As for me, after getting my degree I'll probably wait about half a year, if the Dream Act doesn't pass I wont mind going back to Mexico.

I think she is a girl btw lol

Welcome & i'm so glad you stopped all those crazy things you were doing & got it together seriously, we all know what you're going through so you are safe to share your feelings anytime with people that understand

yea i have read some of your comments and wow what took you so long to put up a story lol. But your story is interesting and we all have our weak moments its good to hear you pulled through it.

p.s. Ilovelucy21 i agree, i think she's a girl.

Dreamer --
Like you, I've been lurking! LOL!
I think it's great that you joined here so you will have some moral support from others who are in a similar situation, and you can be open & honest about your hopes & fears without fear of reprisal -- I know for many "dreamers" they have no one they feel comfortable confiding in, but here you can!

Wow -- you HAVE been through alot -- but glad that the story has a happy ending -- you sound accomplished, with great personal drive and initiative.

The only thing I would say is -- don't ever let ANYONE make you feel because you don't have legal permission to be in the US -- that you are less than a whole person, and that you are not deserving of hopes, dreams and goals -- you are !! Don't let your legal status define who you are.

hey guys. thanks for reading my story.

ehfornue - i am a girl, kinda gay, but still a girl haha. if you go to my profile, there is a pic of me there. my face is kinda shadowed out, but not my boobs LOL. and i recollect posting another pic of like half my face somewhere on the site.

i'm not afraid of going back to mexico either. you know, ever since ilovelucy posted that thread about the spain-mexico guest worker program, i'm kinda pumped! for once in my life i feel as though i have options!!! =]

ilovelucy - thanx for posting about the guest worker program. you literally blew my mind. i had no idea. and you are right, figuring out that there were MILLIONS of us ... it makes me feel less alone. and just the fact that there is a site like this ... it's a fresh breath of air. it's nice knowing that there are students just like me. and even more important, students like me who have graduated! what a relief!!!

countryless - it took me forever to put my story up haha. it was trepidation with a bit of procrastination. really. i still feel some shame in sinking so low. but i guess that's what being human is all about. i guess i want someone who isn't too convinced of our plight to read my story and recognize how dehumanizing the word "illegal" is. after you say it soooo many times, it becomes so empty. politicians forget that they're talking about people capable of feeling pain.

moonpie - lol, i wasnt kidding! i have been creeping around for MONTHS! i figured now was the time. if i dont do it know before school gets started back up, i'll neeever get to it. and yeah, i'd like to think that i'm accomplished, but the fact is that i wish i could do more! i have the drive and the motiviation to do it and i think that it's a shame that the laws of this country are the only things holding me back.

I thought you were a guy too...

btw, did your lil sister turn out alright?

.... you're a chick.....
lol.......mala mia dreamerhippie.

wow(looking at dremerhippie's profile pic), you are blessed darling. are you sure your not straight? jk

Welcome to DAP dreamerhippie (fellow midwestener). Your story is very deep and most of us understand what you went through since we also went through tough times when dealing with our situation. I'm glad you man'ed up (or girled-up in ur situation) and became strong for your sister and the rest of your family. You make all us dreamers proud!!!! Continue ur 'edumecation' and you soon will realize your dreams, be it here in the states or anywhere else in the world. Any country in the world would be lucky to have you.

Good Luck!!!