pro-freading my college essay=D

Hi guys, i have my college essay here, and i was wondering if any of you thats good in english can help to pro-fread my essay ( my english isnt that good). Thank you!
Here:

“What kind of rice would you like sir?” I asked the customer politely.
“I want five rice” the customer answered, with an obverse mockery tone poking fun of my accent.
That was the defining moment for me to learn how to speak perfect English, without my native accent. As a first generation here in America, it’s hard to learn to speak without being make fun of. That was one of the few occasions where I’ve to face humiliation upon asking people questions.
Being born in China and spend my childhood in Singapore, and currently living in United States, I would say I’m a pretty well rounded cultural girl. As a bilingual, fluent in Chinese and English, I’m proud of myself for coming thus far. But I want to advance further.
Other than being a high school student, I’m also a part-time waitress in my uncles’ Chinese restaurant. Having been there for almost four years, I felt that I wanted to be something different rather than waiting on customers every day, and I know that college is the only ticket out for me.
At first I wasn’t really sure if all women’s college is the right choice for me, then one day when I was flipping through a college guide, and I saw Chatham University’s advertorial. And I knew this is it.
Spending forty hours a week in a Chinese restaurant isn’t really a choice that I can chose, and thus taking up most of my time. But one thing I’ve got out of it is that I know I’m more independent than most of the other students as I earned my own expenses, and I know how to organize my time wisely. Even though I still didn’t get to participate in a lot of extra curriculum, but I still managed to find time to work on my art. And every often I would find myself working on readings, projects, papers after everyone else’s lights turned off. Even though I’ve to handle my part-time job and studying at the same time, I still managed to maintain a good GPA and keeping on track with my school work.
I believed that Chatham University is the place for me, and with my passion for pursuing higher education, I would excel better in the beautiful campus that would enable me to show the real inner me.

Hi, livetoeat. Maybe I can help with your paper:

"What kind of rice would you like, sir?" I asked the customer politely.
"I want five rice!" the customer laughed his answer, poking fun at me and mocking my accent.
That was the defining moment that told me I needed to learn to speak perfect English, without my native accent. As the first generation here in America, it's hard to learn to speak without being made fun of. The restaurant experience was one of the few occasions where I've felt humiliation when asking people questions.
Being born in China and spending my childhood in Singapore, I currently live in the United States; I would say that culturally I'm a well-rounded individual. Being fluent in both Chinese and English, I am proud of my efforts in getting this far. But I want to advance much further.
In addition to being a high school student, I am also a part-time waitress in my uncle's Chinese restaurant. Having worked there for almost four years, I began feeling that I wanted to be something more than a waitress, and I know that college is the only ticket out for me.
At first I wasn't really sure if an all woman's college was the right choice for me, but one day as I was flipping through a college guide, I saw Chatham
University's advertisement and I thought, "This is it!"
Spending forty hours a week working in a restaurant is not what I would choose for myself. It takes up so much of my study time. But one thing I've gotten out of this experience is that I know I am more independent than most of the other students; I take care of my own expenses and I've learned to use my time more wisely. Even though I didn't get to participate in many extra-curricular activities, I have still found time to work on my art. And every so often I would find myself working on readings, projects or papers after everyone else's lights were off. Even though I've had to handle my part-time job and study at the same time, I still managed to maintain a good GPA and kept on track with my school work.
I believe that Chatham University is the place for me, and with my passion for pursuing higher education, I truly believe I would excel on Chatham's beautiful campus and be able to show my true inner me.

Hope that helps, livetoeat!

THANKYOU, it takes a village, i really appreciate ur help! =D
its so much better!

I liked it! The beginning caught my attention.

Hi,
You're very welcome! I hope it helps. Good Luck with school!

Not trying to be a troll, but... you should try proof reading your title Haha. Yes, i know you might have done that on purpose. But... WEird Huh? LOL.

^Trolls. Dreamers don't need to buy anything we're smart, talented, and hard working.

Btw: OP next time PM users instead of posting your stuff on a thread! Much safer I think

Being born in China and spending my childhood in Singapore, I currently live in the United States;

This is a fragment sentence. Take out the ";" and merge it with the sentence after it, without using the ";"

But I want to advance much further.

Never start a sentence with "But"

all woman's college

all women's college, not "woman's"


And every so often I would find myself working on readings,

Never start a sentence with "And"

I understand you needed help with this, but you really need to learn how to do this on your own. Or, you will be screwed down the road--especially if you plan to pursue a graduate degree.

I tell you this because, at one point, I found myself struggling with proof-reading my own papers when I no longer had an editing service available.

Excellent troll bump of a 3 year thread. Excellent indeed.