I don't know how you guys do it...

it's been a year and half since I lost my visa...

It was the most devastating thing ever happened to me. Our family's failure of renewing visa was fked up cuz our business was making profit. We filed motion but didn't work.

I'm sorry but I'm not going to asian country after being white washed

I only lived as illegal for little more than a year but feels like forever. Honestly, it's not any different from living with my visa except the fact that now I can't get green card through employment and that I have to live in fear.

Fortunately, I'm done w/ my CC, and I'm interning at a clothing store as a visual merchandiser this upcoming spring while waiting response from CSULB and SFSU. So, I do not have to drive to school anymore. I still drive around town but not too much compared to driving to school for an hour.

For first 6months, I lived in intense emotional state. I had depression(I still do probably) and I fought a lot with my parents. Even though I love them so much, I was pissed at them because they did lose many opportunities of getting different visa or even applying for green card because they wouldn't get rid of our shitty restaurant.

Unfortunately, we still have our restaurant. We have been trying to sell it since our visa was denied, but this economy is just wrecked that no one's willing to buy restaurant. I understand. It's suicidal. However, we can't just abandon the restaurant. Even though it's super slow, we still make enough to feed us. That's wat matters.

I'm really worried about how to get my funds for college but I'll see.

I don't know how you guys been living in here as illegal for such a long time.

My thoughts have been rapidly changing. I swear I was psychotic lol. First, I was on rage. I was pissed at government and I thought about committing suicide in front of state legislature building which is an hr away from our home. Then, I worked my ass off and got 4.0 to make myself smart so I can take revenge lol. After that, I changed my major from business to fashion merchandising. The only reason why I had business major was to get green card, but it doesn't matter now. So, why not do what I want? I thought I'd rather die studying what I want. I'm hopeless... I'm still trying my best but I think differently. Now, I feel dead. I feel like I'm trapped in this dark where the only way to get out is to die.

Now, I feel dead, but I also feel desensitized. I love America, but I don't have live in America. I know that I'll hate my life even more when I go back to my own country because of my super liberal beliefs, but it's not the only place. I feel like Whatever happens in my life I'll try to deal with it. If i can't, well I can say bye to this ugly world. Even though I hate my life, why not see what happens? Why not see if God is really fair? I can push that off.

I'm sorry for putting this long post up... I'm just frustrated and thought maybe this will help me clean my thoughts...

Have you talked to an immigration lawyer about this? You should seek consult on how to remedy your status. So much is at stake for you because you've already started on something in the US.

Hey, don't feel discouraged about your situation. I myself is in the same situation as you except besides your restaurant we had a store lol. But my visa has been expired for over hmmm 11 years now? lol you know ppl like us whether with an expired visa or EWI we all share the same struggle. There's really nothing that can really help with the frustration and the depression. The best we can do is keep ourselves busy so we don't think about what were missing out on. You are actually better off that some ppl I know. Youre interning at a clothing store, i know it may not seem much to you but for some they cannot even go to college bc of the money or simply there are just no colleges that will accept them bc they are undocumented.

We've all been there, at that low points in life where you ask yourself, wth do i have to live for? Right? But in life, wether you are undocumented or a citizen or immigrant you are always given a choice. You may not control the situation you are in, but you have the freedom to make a choice in response to your situation. Now in terms of your choices that's up to you to decide but many years from now when you ask yourself why you did a certain thing and you say oh it was because of my situation this will not suffice. We are all responsible for our actions no matter the situation that preceded.

We dreamers are one of the toughest people alive lol I like to think so. No matter what comes our way, we still move forward. And i know you will too. Keep your head up, and your spirits up. We'll all get through this crazy hill one day. But for now do what you gotta do to surive, not literally but you know what I mean.

Try not to think about our struggles but instead lets be thankful for things we do have i.e healthy, no sickness., not dying.

Good luck to you and your future endeavors!

You'll learn to deal with it with time. Try to focus on goals you can do for now.

My parents paid for mine and my sister's education, even though they don't get paid much, they focus all their energy in getting us education. My sister graduated from college now, and she was able to get a green card through marriage, she now helps my parents pay for my education. The increases in tuition's lately sucks though >.<

Hang in there!

one day at a time, I used to think that if you got really busy with other stuff you could forget what is going on and sort of just sweep it under the rug, forget it is going on, work more if you think about it.

It may seem like a good idea, you are focusing on your education, you dedicating a lot of time, and the more you study the better you do in school, right?

Not really, I did that, burnt myself out by the third semester, completely failed it, highest grade that term was a C, followed by two Ds, followed by 2 failed, I was dazed and confused about what happened, I did not play games, I did not socialize with people out of worry that they would ask questions, I only studied but could not sleep well because at the end of the day, when I needed rest I could only think of what I had been avoiding throughout the day. BTW, that was the first time I ever got a D or failed a class, second time I ever got a C ( graduated HS with a 4.8 the first two semesters averaged above 3.7), that really fucked with my motivation.

The following semester it was looking like a repeat of what happened the previous term, with all the self hate, enjoyable things where suddenly mundane and unable to stop thinking about being in this situation. I just decided to seek the help of a psychotherapist, if you go back to some of the first posts on this site, you will observe I used to promote that option, well, with time experience is gained. After talking to a psychotherapist for a year, the benefits at the very beginning where starting to disappear, it felt like remembering the ugly of the situation.

But why do I mention all of this, it was a learning experience, rather than fight against the issue, fight to suppress the thoughts of all that is going on, fight to ignore everything, I am instead getting more into the thick of it. Two semesters ago I started getting active, before that I had taken a leave because of the cost of college being too much. I have not received lower than a B since then. This past semester, I may not have achieved being on the Dean's list, but it does not matter, 3 Bs and an A while founding two organizations, being in the exec board of two others, starting the process to create a for-profit project in the university, research into an infrastructure significant project, projects with professors in three universities, other research projects, work with various departments in the university, all within the same last semester and not counting joining the immigrant youth justice league, I had weeks where I would schedule probably 20 meetings in the time frame, weeks where I would have as many as 12-14 events running, some of those events taking place at the same time, people where asking how the fuck I managed to do it, but I did not care, it was a pretty damn fun and I cannot wait for the two newly founded organizations which are now official for next semester to start changing the atmosphere in the university.

Following your dreams, having a network of friends that you can trust even your most personal secrets and actually trust them, making yourself the kind of person anyone would want to bet on and not doing and saying you will do more than you actually can make happen, while helping others when they seek the help that is how you defeat this.

Very important emphasis on the saying no to certain opportunities btw, no matter how great it sounds, and how feasible it may sound, if you don't have the time and you are risking other stuff you already promised to do, you don't want to do it. That is how I survived, if I could not schedule it, I did not do it, and I would not say I could do it unless I knew I had a time frame available that I could do it in.

I'm in the same boat as you....my visa expired about the same time you did.

reading your thoughts, I felt that I'm reading my own diary. I was depressed, suicidal, as my dreams came crashing down. I no longer drive since I'm scared I'll be caught driving without a license, and I have to make up BS excuses when people ask me why I don't drive anymore. I lost my boyfriend coz he couldn't handle my depression (we dated before I lost my visa and I was then a cheerful girl and he was not ready to handle the depressed me that I become)...


my suggestion is that you go see a therapist. if you go to college, there's usually a free one available to you in the counseling office. I'm getting better and I'm starting to be more optimistic. Like you, I also don't want to go back to the Asian country that I'm from so I'm thinking of moving to Canada since its not that different than the US, culture wise. I'm determined to graduate top of my class so I can maybe get scholarships at grad schools there. goodluck!