No school for me. =[

Hey, I'm Kim! I'm new here. Well...I've been roaming the forums for awhile but never posted. I guess I just want to kind of vent off today since I can't turn to any of my friends. They wouldn't understand.

Today I finally got everything set up for college, I was so excited and did the whole class picking and all that. Then I got the bill and the deadline is tomorrow at midnight $3,969. Something my parents can't afford right now. The college I was suppose to attend doesn't have payment plans so in literally 5 minutes everything just came crashing down. Which really sucks, I've been suffering from a major relapse of depression and thought maybe if I went to school it would keep me going. But, I guess I have to deal with another setback. All my friends won't shut up about how "someone so smart like you can chill home all day."

I don't want to stay home all day in bed staring at my purple walls and only getting up to shower and go to work. I have some money saved up but not enough to cover first semester. It took a lot of out me to get up and actually go register. Depression is no joke, my mom thinks its just a lazy ass phase and I can get over it. But going from 102 pounds to 80 pounds in less then four months. I don't think that's being a lazy ass. She tries to understand and I try to explain to her that I don't lay in bed because its absolutely what I want. Just doing everyday house chores has literally became a challenge cause I get tired really fast. I don't go out anymore cause my friends start giving that "anorexic speech". I'm not anorexic... believe me.

I had a breakdown at a department store few days ago cause I tried a size 0 pants and I needed a belt. I felt so disgusted with my own body. I can't look at myself in the mirror and avoid it as much as possible. I'm black but on the light skin side and I look somewhat paleish, grayish. My boyfriend always comments and asks me why I'm doing that to myself. I don't know what I am doing. I can't eat without getting sick and throwing up everything. I barely have an appetite and I'm wearing my 8 yr old little sisters pants cause mines won't fit. Embarassing lol.

My parents try their hardest to make me happy and promised they will save up the money and I can register for Summer term and it'll be alright. My mom tries...no literally forces me out the door everyday and demands I try to regain a social life but its just getting to be a little too much. I feel like nothing but a burden to everyone now. I try to teach myself and check out books on all subjects and make my own assignments and deadlines (lol crazy huh). A friend of mine who was somewhat in the same position committed suicide on Christmas. He only told me about his status and made me swore not to tell a soul.

I didn't even tell him about me. I feel so guilty, maybe if he knew I was the same he'd confide in me more. We were friends in middle school and lost contact after High School. I felt like if I'd told him too at that time we'd still be talking today. I found out through facebook and his sister he drank bleach. I fear, that someday I'm going to just give up and check myself out like him. I tried to be the bubbly, happy-go-lucky person that everyone loved in High School. Even during my crappy depression states no one would ever figure it out. Now everyone is catching on, they're either pointing out my weight loss or how I'm avoiding everyone lately.



I'm sorry this is so long and disorganized. I just had to get it off my chest. If you read this though thank you so much. I appreciate that.

Wait wait wait............your room has purple walls? That's awesome!


Also, suicide is never the answer. Lots of us here are going thru the same thing as you are, but there are a lot of things you could do in this situation, even if it isn't your first choice, than to end your life. Keep yourself busy. Take up some home project you could do, like crafts or changing the color of your walls. The hope is never lost....you just have to not let your situation get to you so much.

Also, please do not blame yourself for your friend. He made that decision for himself, and who's to know if it will change if you had told him. The point is two wrongs don't make it right. If you want to justify his life so much, then live yours to the fullest and don't get your situation affect you like it did to him. We are all here for you....on the same boat nonetheless.

Hang in there =)

I haven't been to college ever, Am I dead ? Hell no.

I almost went through the same thing when I just started college. My bill had come up to over $5k. I was so depressed for a few days but then I researched and found out that NY offers in-state tuition. Bless NY. So I definitely know what you mean.

Nothing wrong with that. Get some books on computer programming and start learning it. It's fun and the constant thinking will get your mind out of your problems. If you get into a STEM field, you will have an advantage in terms to legalizing.

I wish I could have cool walls

I know, I always reason with myself. Its like an internal battle. That voice that screams at you and say "do it! do it! do it!" and the reasoning voice "don't, you're so stupid, so pathetic, stop that." I know I won't ever really do it. I don't want to.

And yes purple walls rock eh! I had to convince my mom. She has a color disorder and hates bold colors. She never ventures far, I always tell her she's afraid to be adventurous. I really wanted this dark purple, but I was pushing my luck lol.

Honestly, $3,969 is not that bad. I don't know what state you're from but how about working part time at a restaurant over the weekend and going to school on weekdays?

If you work Saturday and Sunday and make roughly $200/week, that's roughly $800 a month and roughly $4000 in 5 months.

If not, you can even attend college part time, paying only for credits that you can afford... lots of people attend college part time while working day jobs (some are in 30s and even 40s, USCs of course).

^^ what he said. At least you've come to a realization that you're depressed. I think a lot of suicide cases don't realize that they're ill at that time and it's just their brain thinking crazy.

The way I saw it, I could try moving to some of the poorest shitholes on earth and still be happier than the average American, so give that option a chance if you're at a stage where you're thinking of opting out. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Happy_Planet_Index

It's hard to find motivation even for work in our situation, but just hang in there and look at other options. You could use this semester to practice a bunch of odd jobs and see if you find something you like. Worst thing that could come out of it is you got extra cash for next semester.



I know it sux, and I'll admit to letting my own ''pride'' getting in the way, but there are plenty of hands-on skills and trades you could learn, jobs you could perform, or people you

Sometimes we just have to make do with what (little) we have. Often times the things we have now are sufficient to live on a day to day basis.

Ignore what people and ultimately the world says what YOU have to do to be successful. Learn to go beyond what the world is expecting of you and don't feel afraid or aloof that you're approaching the same success in a different manner.

The world will not end if you cannot make the payment this semester. Just take some time off and work for a bit. I had to skip a couple semesters to make money for tuition. Go to community college and get your gen eds first, that will save you tons of money.