Is this the end?

Don't let me talk about my past success, doon't let me mention my high school graudation with high honors, I do not want to remember my multiple college acceptance letters. They hurt.

But, can we talk about what I have and haven't done that has led to my current state? Now, with DACA coming up you would think that I am happy and ready to take on the world. I want to, but I am not sure I can.

It was heartbreaking being denied a Chase bank student loan because even though my credit was squeaky clean, I did not have a social security number. My parens did not understand the college process and did not have enough money to even send me to Santa Monica community college as I happened to graduate right at the peak of the economic meltdown of a few years. My parents encouraged me to get a job and just wait 'till I find a nice citizen girl and marry her. But I'm gay. So gay I chuckled at the thought.

I decided that I would not let anything interfere with my college education. I made up some random social security number and gathered eighty-five bucks I had saved up. I went to McArthur park, and as scared as I was I started walking slowly, and unaware of it, very conspicuously. Everytime I'd come around a corner I'd hear "micas" "seguros" "greencards". I'd just keep walking until I got tired and had gone around the park about three times. The guy said "licensia joven?" I turned around and followed him to a very dark and apparently abandoned building. They took my picture and the guy said : "don't be scared, smile." they took my phone number and told me to go chill at the park. They said they would call me back once they were done "legalizing me."


With that social and "mica" I got a job at a restaurant. With that same made up social security number I got a credit card on my name. Thankfully, I got it in the mail behind my dad's back right before school started. I maxed it out in order to pay for. Y classes and my books. I was just a naïve kid and said to myself "you have a job now! You canpay it off and still go to school! Life is good again." little did I know of what was to come in the next few years.

Parents lost jobs, dad boke his leg in many pieces at work, I fell in love, i got my heart broken, parents could not afford anything anymore, I dropped out of college, repeatedly to help them, parents decided to move to New York and I decided to stay in Sunny California.

I struggled to pay rent and buy food and go to college by myself. One specific day I had just paid my rent, and was left with one dollar and twenty-five cents. I had a test that night for my math class. I decided to ventrue to school and take the test. I figured one of my buddies would give me a ride back home.

Once I was done at about 9:30 pm, I realized My friend was gone. So I whipedout my phone to call my cousin and see if he was around. But I realized that my service had just been cancelled. I walked eighteen miles back home. At three in the morning I finally got home, took my shooes off and realized my feet had been blisteredd and bleeding.

I am not currently in school as the deadline to make the payment arrived and I did not have the money ready. So I was dropped from my classes. It wasn't until last Thursday that I was able to send my DACA application.

I called my mom and gave her the news. Condescendingly, she answered that my sister had done that over a month ago. She also said how my sister was going to go to Washington University and how she was going to leave me behind as I still have not graduated. Things between me and my parents have not been going well since my ex sent me a Chirstmas postcard with a picture of him and his adorable pug saying they still loved me.

For them, I am a failure. And I thought, I am not a failure. I have been through hell! They don't know how hard it is to work graveyard and run out smelling like pizza and garlic bread to make it to the bus and be on time to my stats class at 8 am. They don't know how hard it is to work in a place where the disgusting forty-year old manager harasses you and makes you stay late just to be able to check you out. They dont know how hard it is to not be able to quit hat job because if you do, you will be kicked out your place.

But that is they key. They dont know. And if my parents don't know this, what makes me think that employers, scholarships, and universities do?

Sure, I am ready to start working at a bank, save enough mone to buy a cheap car and have a better chance to succeed in college withouth struggling like a homeless dog. But is it the end? How will I compete with others whose resumés are brilliant? My credit sore is in the gutter, my grades are horrible and I have just worked at stupid little pizza and burger joints.


How do I build myself up from.., pretty mich nothing?

Try getting angry as fuck and use that anger as motivation. It's that or getting terribly depressed.

Dont get angry or depressed, come down and think how you can little by little get where you want to go.

Try networking, talk to people share your story if your willing. Sometimes its who you know rather than what you know to get a job.

I am not depressed, I am not angry. I am just concerned and trying to come up with a plan where I can get back on my feet as fast as I can.

For starters, I already turned in an application to a science museum so I can volunteer. I am hoping that that will provide me with the opportunity to meet people, show who I really am and get a good recommendation letter or just points for my resume. Thank God I was given a date for an orientation. I was thinking that they were not going to give me a chance as I do not have any experience with extra curricular activity AND they require a social security number for an FBI background check.

I know that I am no the only dreamer out there who is concerned about "where to go" from here.

I did not mean to sound depressive in that last post. My question is genuine, what can I do to compete? Unfortunately, I think that the process will be bit slow.

If there is anyone out there who can come up with ideas for those of us who are seemingly wasting their youth away, it'd help if you shared.

I am heart broken to hear your struggles man. You have to realize even the brilliant people in this world have left the world with nothing. This world is temporary, so your pain is not going to last forever. Don't compare yourself with your sister, she has family with her to fall back on, YOU DON"T. Compare yourself with your goals. Find a different job for a change (even if it is not a bank or office job) , go to community college, build your grades up and get involved in your community and transfer to a university. At your university, seek internships to build experience. You will still need to get by during college and one day you will be proud of yourself for the hardship you got through.

I am in turmoil as well, but I know I have control over my life. if not life..but my thinking and perspectives. Its just depends on me how I want to use that power.

Good luck!

Working at a bank is a very good place to start, it can open alot of doors in the future.
If you dont get hired for whatever reason, look for a temporary job where you deal with cash registers and people, then apply again at other banks or credit unions.
(no matter how desperate you might get, stay away from gas stations, just too dangerous)

Dicen que cuando mas obscuro esta, es porque ya va a amanecer.

I'm sorry to hear everything you've been through but just know that even though we dreamers might not know each other in person we can understand what it's like.

So far you're off to a great start! Volunteering is an amazing way to gain experience and network . Sometimes they do ask for SSN or DL but if you let the person in charge know (I know it can be a little scary but usually they understand) then they will just ask you for another form of ID like one from your country, sometimes even a school ID. Another reason why volunteering is so great is because you are out there helping someone in some way and it really relaxes you. Sometimes you even get the chance to meet people who really appreciate what you are doing because not many people want to actually work for free and do it so well.

I say look for other organizations/places that might need volunteers in your area that way you might even find something related to your field which would be a bonus!

I'd love a teller job as well but sometimes we have to work our way up you know? Keep your head up and don't let anyone tell you that you are a failure. I wish you the best of luck!

Lots of hugs!

In terms of your academic performace, I recommend that you take what you can handle if you have to work alot. You want to make sure you do well in school. If it is not too late and you are worried about some elements of your resume (e.g. GPA), you can always start from scratch at another college. I know a high school teacher who did this.

As for your parents, you know when they do not understand you and are giving you bad advice. So, YOU make the decisions that will benefit you in the long run; forget about everyone else.

Finally, everything will be fine. Block out all the fear/concerns, be confident, and just aim to conquer the world. Being depressed and concerned is counterproductive. Trust me. I know. I have been there.

Guys, I know we will still face life's problems. But, we have been through worse situations. And, DACA will undoubtedly make life better. So, stop worrying and fucking mercilessly CONQUER the world.

Hey, hang in there man. I can relate to the struggles you face. Just need to be strong and prove to the world you can overcome such obstacles. Just have positive thoughts and positive things will happen. Good luck!