My Story

I'm a 27 year old guy. Arrived at 4 years old.

I've worked all the usual jobs. Janitor, most recently.

Got a two year degree at community college. I was ready to go all the way in my major after I graduated, but there's only so much abuse a psyche can take. I was not strong enough. My parents were devastated, but I was not strong enough to take the psychological beating of trying to continue my education as an undocumented student.

I am well known in my city (and all over the world via the Internet) because of my art, but because of the nature of the type of art that I make, and how it relates to my status, I can't make money from it. It is also not a type of art that you can go to school for.

I'm afraid of Deferred Action because of my involvement in radical activism (not necessarily Dream Act related). This also keeps me from being able to come out to many people.

I've lost countless friendships and 3 long term relationships. They had to move, travel, go on with their lives, like normal people.

My parents are terrified of me coming out publicly, and I can't bear to make them worry.

I have severe loneliness problems, though I am very good with people. My parents think I'm a quitter. My friends think I'm a loser. My activist comrades think I don't have the courage to put myself out there more. My artistic colleagues think I don't have what it takes to take my career all the way.

I have the utmost respect and support for Dreamers. But I can't relate to the archetype of the over achieving valedictorian who wants to some day be President. That's not me. I just want to live my life in peace. I just want to be able to say "sure" to my friends when they say "hey, wanna grab a beer?" I just want to be able to be in a relationship where we can have a conversation about our future. I just want to have the right to dedicate my life to my art, which I can't do with my status.

I just want to pay my parents back for saving me from the misery of our home country. I just want to pay them back for working every single day of their lives just for me and my siblings. I just want them to be able to finally quit their jobs.

One of the most powerful and painful memories I have is from the day that my Grandfather died. My mom received a phone call letting her know that he was on his death bed. She asked my brother and I to go online and find plane tickets for her. We all knew what that could potentially mean. But she had to see him before he died, even if it was for a few hours. While we were scrambling to find tickets, she got the phone call that he had died. She hadn't seen him since coming here and he died before she could see him again. I hold on to this memory with a clenched fist, and I don't let go of it. I don't let go of it when a millionaire politician tells me that maybe I'm a little bit of a human being after all (but only if I go to college). I will never let go of that memory, even after we win and they have no choice but to treat us like people. I won't let go of it even after the scars on my wrist fade away.

Every single day I daydream about committing suicide. But, again, I can't do that to my parents. They would have given up their whole lives for nothing.

I have never told anyone all of this. Some people know a little bit here and there. But nobody knows that this pain haunts me every single day and that I sit awake in my bed at night trying to figure out if I'm ever going to be allowed to start living my life.

Why haven't you applied for DACA? Do you have any felonies or significant misdemeanors ?

Dude just apply.

I went through somewhat similar situation, I eventually got my shit together, came back to college and I'm currently using up all my savings to finish with that out of state tuition. I was also really afraid of DACA because I picked up some misdemeanors during my stupid days. They told me that it would not disqualify me so, even with my doubts, I went ahead and applied; fully hopeful. I still haven't heard from them after my bio in early October but even if they deny me I'll keep going. I know its tough but you cant let life beat you down because it will keep you there if you do.

I feel your pain. My grandmother had cancer and had one of her kidneys removed. The surgery probably saved her life since she's somewhat fine now.

Every day my dad would get a phone call from Mexico with a status update on her health and the look in his eyes of pain and sadness just devastated me.

I feel for you. I have a similar story and I share your sentiments about not being the typical "I can be the best American ever". I personally lost both of my grandmothers waiting for a resolution in my status, no one in my family was able to go to either of the funerals, and right before DACA, I was about to give up on the US because I really saw no good future here if my only option was to stay here undocumented forever. I truly believed that being undocumented would trump my potential and I saw my life slowly draining away while waiting for politicians to war like vultures to decide on people's lives of whom they not see as people. I was not about to let them make my life miserable by not even giving me a chance.

What I'd say to you is do what feels right, especially if you're an activist. While the DREAMer movement seems to be focused on that thing of being "successful" and "patriotic", not all of DREAMers are the same. I actually wish people would recognize that a little more because for those of us that don't share those feelings make us feel marginalized within an already marginalized population. I say, if you don't feel it, don't come out, you don't have to. There are other things to use your talents on, activism needs passion and if you don't really believe something, it's just not worth it.

Don't worry about what your parents, colleagues, or your friends think about your life, worry about what you want and what you will do in your life to be happy. Focus on that and it will all become clear. And if you see the Deferred Action program as a way to achieve it, apply, but keep in mind that if you apply, there are risks involved, evaluate your situation coldly and see if getting approved is viable and if it will benefit you. I think the only people that should worry about getting rejected though are those that do not meet the criminal background requirement, so if you're free in that respect, I wouldn't worry too much.