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DAP Forums > Other Topics > Other Topics

Do you ever blame your parents?

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#1
02-07-2017, 11:51 PM
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Before DACA, and more recently after Trump got elected every time we heard rumors about DACA being terminated and imagining how miserable life is in the shadows without being to use my college degree, earn good money, and pay my taxes like I have been doing for the past 4 years since DACA, I do feel resentful towards my mother who brought me to the US when I was 11 years old. I love her, and I know she had the best intentions bringing my brother and me here, and then staying indefinitely. However, I feel she could've done more to assure that we acquired legal status – but she never did anything. She just let time pass by, and simply hoped that we'd be OK.

I blame it on ignorance. She just didn't know any better. For her, life here was already a hundred times better than in our home country, even though we were poor by US standards. For her, that was good enough.

Not for me, though. I finished college, and now have a good paying job in tech. Thanks to DACA, I earn nearly a 6-figure income, and pay 20k+ in taxes each year. I cannot fathom going back into the shadows if DACA were to be rescinded, and a legislative solution hasn't been passed by then.

Sometimes I feel it was irresponsible of her to bring me here without thinking of the repercussions of living here illegally. It's awful. Turning 16, and seeing all your friends get driver licenses, while you sit there, wondering why you can't also get one is crushing for any teenager. Social Security Card -- what's that? Mom, where's mine?

Fast forward to now, and this is the only country I know as my own. All my ties -- all my friends, professional connections, former teachers, professors, work opportunities -- are here. English is my working language. And you say go back to my country? Sometimes I wish I hadn't been brought to the US, with life without legal status being so difficult.

No, don't rescind DACA. Please do pass a legislative solution. I want to work. I want to pay my taxes. I want to use my knowledge for the benefit of the American people.

I was born in another country, but I grew up American.

Would I have been better off in my home country? Did my mother make a mistake bringing me here and staying without legal status? These are questions I ask myself whenever the fear of going back into shadows returns.

For you all, the question that remains is, then: Could your parents have done more to make sure you didn't die of anxiety every time a termination of DACA without a permanent solution is theorized? Are they to blame for this roller coaster of emotions not knowing whether we, Americans in everything but paper, will be able to stay and live fruitful lives in American soil?
Last edited by Gnome; 02-08-2017 at 02:50 AM..
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#2
02-08-2017, 07:21 AM
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I had a great life back in Colombia. Used to go to a private school, owned a house, dad had an engineering job, mom was doing her business, all my family was there, everything was perfect. Came here because people think there is more money here.

Do I blame them? No. I have a engineering job here, bought a condo and I'm on the way to have a family in the near future.

I'm living the American dream.
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#3
02-08-2017, 07:36 AM
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Hindsight is not 20-20. You might come to the realization that it might not be a good idea to fault your parents.

Parents are people too, and as much as we look up to them for guidance and the right thing, it should be expected mistakes will be made. We may blame and chastise them for the result of our illegal status, but take into consideration they get that from the government/employers/immigration restrictionists and all who may not want us here. It is a shared burden and responsibility they already know and hearing it from us does not make the situation any better.

Also, you cannot subside the result of their actions only on illegal status when you have been this successful as well. Remember, they are parents first! Laws and regulations will always take a back seat when they have your best interest at heart, even when you may not see it and the "rules" get in the way of that.
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#4
02-08-2017, 09:20 AM
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Never blame parents for bringing you here. If your parents gave you a roof over your head, and put food on the table 3 times a day, then they were great parents.

If you couldn't make it work in the USA then it is your own fault not your parents.
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#5
02-08-2017, 09:55 AM
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Yeah.
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#6
02-08-2017, 11:17 AM
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I had a good life back in Romania, great childhood everything i needed.....bu no means well off. I tried many times to tell my parents how it is growing up in a country without rights.....but they wanted the best for me, this came with a price after all. I sometimes wish i never came here, i am a little mad at them ....i asked them many times "what were you guys thinking" but then again they didnt know any better. I forgive them no matter what happens, i love them
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#7
02-08-2017, 12:19 PM
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I don't blame my parents because they were kind of simple and didn't know how the world worked and trusted our other family members' judgement here. I won't divulge too much personal info but we (part of my immediate family) actually came here purely by accident and detained immediately at the airport (I guess ticketing computers weren't that great in the 80's) and we were literally stuck and had to go to court and things dragged on for a few years by which time life was different and there was nowhere to go back to.

There were also some promises made by the extended family members for me which were relented on so if there is anybody I blame is the extended family members for fucking with our lives and then backing out. My parents suffered greatly throughout this and their lives were destroyed as a result.
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#8
02-08-2017, 12:47 PM
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I don't blame my parents because they wanted what was best for me.
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#9
02-08-2017, 02:29 PM
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My parents did the best that they could given their circumstances. They were both born into extreme poverty. My father had to work at a very young age, something ridiculous like 10 years old. He has told me stories about how all he wanted to do at that age is play, but he had to work selling things on the street or his mother would beat him. My mother was the same, she had to work at like age 12 or something just to have something to eat. Neither one of them ever even had a chance at an education, and without that they could not get a good job because they had no education or training for anything. They didn't even have any family connections that could help them find work in like a restaurant or something. When my brother was born they knew that they would not be able to give us a good life there. They brought us to the U.S. because my father's aunt was an LPR already and told him to come so that he could work for my uncle or something. Once here, it was painfully clear to him that life here could be a thousand times better for all of us than where we came from for the simple fact that he could actually work here and give us a shot at a decent life. And for the most part he was right. I grew up in a safe neighborhood, finished high school, and even graduated from college here. When DACA came around I took advantage of my degree and landed a nice job working at a law office. None of that would have been possible back in our old country.

But sometimes I wonder if I might have been able to make it back there. I came here when I was 9, so I do have some memories of what life was like before. I remember we had nothing, but I also remember that I was always really good in school. The teachers there always complimented me on being a great student and I remember being considered one of the smartest kids in class. The problem was that school there is not free, you have to pay for books and required school supplies (I remember they gave you a list). My father actually had to borrow money to get these supplies, and they were basic (we're talking pencils and rulers here). And that was just grade school, there was no way he would have been able to afford a text book, let alone college tuition. But here is the thing, I went to college here in the U.S. before the CA Dream Act, so I had to pay full tuition and text books. I did that by busting my butt off and working at night and going to school in the day time. So I sometimes ask myself, "couldn't I have done the same back there?". I could have worked nights and gone to school mornings there too. I had that determination here, so wouldn't I have been able to do the same there? When I think about that, it is the only time I question their decision to come here.

Their actions did have consequences. I have gained so much and risen so high in this country that a fall from this height would be very painful. If I had stayed down there then worst case scenario is that I would only be as aware of the poverty as those around me. Now, given my current position in life, I am more aware of that misery than I would have been if I had grown up in it. This is why it would be more painful to lose everything now that I know what the difference is. All of us can say that we are in the position we are in because of the decision of our parents. That is the definition of being a DREAMer. But none of our parents acted out of malice, the whole reason why we are in the position we are in is because they love us. My parents were born into a hopeless situation, and my father saw an opportunity to make sure we had a better life. He did not act out of selfish self interest, he acted in our best interest. He did the best he could given his circumstances and took his chances and took advantage of what little opportunities he had. To have done any less would have been selfish.

I know not everyone's situation is the same. But before we even ask the question of whether we "blame" our parents, you have to ask yourself what your life would have been otherwise. The only real point of reference I have are my cousins back home who are of a similar age as me. None of them were able to go to school and get an education. They all work crap jobs that pay almost nothing. They all live in a tiny house where they are all cramped in there and everyone works just to keep that tiny roof over their head and a bit of food on their table. The concept of having their own room would blow their minds. They constantly fight with each other, and most of them drink to temporarily forget their problems for a while. None of the guys are married or even dating because no girl wants anything to do with that kind of poverty. Only one of the girls is married, the others are still single because no one there is good enough for them and they come from a poor family so those that are well off don't want them either. In part social media is kind of responsible for that, it wasn't so prevalent 30 years ago so the poor married the poor more easily than they do now. None of the guys could even afford to move out and start a family even if they wanted to. So that could have very easily been me, poor, uneducated, with no opportunities and little hope of starting a family.

So was my parent's decision worth it, despite my current situation? That depends on what our fate as DREAMers ultimately is. But overall I think it was. If I get sent back, then it will suck because I am in my 30's now so it would be hard to find any kind of job. But I have a bit of savings. Not much, but maybe enough to start a small business or something. That's a foot in the door that I would never have otherwise had. If I'm smart about it, I can use my small savings to start a business that I might be able to live off of. That would be huge where I am from. It could grow into a comfortable life, and I would be in a good position to raise a family. At the end of the day the American Dream is Home, Family, Business. Thanks to my parents decision to come here, I was able to put some savings away in the bank and I might be able to make the American Dream come true for me, just not in America. That bit of savings alone might have been worth my life here, no one else in my family back there can ever even dream of their own business because the capital is non-existent for them.

So to answer the question, do I blame my parents? The answer is I can't blame them. After carefully considering their lives, their circumstances, and the reasons for their choices, I have realized that there is no blame that I can place on them. If you want to place any blame, place it where it belongs: the crap governments where we each come from that made life impossible for our parents in the first place. If I were to blame them, then I would lose the only people who I have in my life that truly care about me. And I need them now more than ever, because whatever happens to us, at least we will be together.
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#10
02-08-2017, 03:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamer3ooo View Post
My parents did the best that they could given their circumstances. They were both born into extreme poverty. My father had to work at a very young age, something ridiculous like 10 years old. He has told me stories about how all he wanted to do at that age is play, but he had to work selling things on the street or his mother would beat him. My mother was the same, she had to work at like age 12 or something just to have something to eat. Neither one of them ever even had a chance at an education, and without that they could not get a good job because they had no education or training for anything. They didn't even have any family connections that could help them find work in like a restaurant or something. When my brother was born they knew that they would not be able to give us a good life there. They brought us to the U.S. because my father's aunt was an LPR already and told him to come so that he could work for my uncle or something. Once here, it was painfully clear to him that life here could be a thousand times better for all of us than where we came from for the simple fact that he could actually work here and give us a shot at a decent life. And for the most part he was right. I grew up in a safe neighborhood, finished high school, and even graduated from college here. When DACA came around I took advantage of my degree and landed a nice job working at a law office. None of that would have been possible back in our old country.

But sometimes I wonder if I might have been able to make it back there. I came here when I was 9, so I do have some memories of what life was like before. I remember we had nothing, but I also remember that I was always really good in school. The teachers there always complimented me on being a great student and I remember being considered one of the smartest kids in class. The problem was that school there is not free, you have to pay for books and required school supplies (I remember they gave you a list). My father actually had to borrow money to get these supplies, and they were basic (we're talking pencils and rulers here). And that was just grade school, there was no way he would have been able to afford a text book, let alone college tuition. But here is the thing, I went to college here in the U.S. before the CA Dream Act, so I had to pay full tuition and text books. I did that by busting my butt off and working at night and going to school in the day time. So I sometimes ask myself, "couldn't I have done the same back there?". I could have worked nights and gone to school mornings there too. I had that determination here, so wouldn't I have been able to do the same there? When I think about that, it is the only time I question their decision to come here.

Their actions did have consequences. I have gained so much and risen so high in this country that a fall from this height would be very painful. If I had stayed down there then worst case scenario is that I would only be as aware of the poverty as those around me. Now, given my current position in life, I am more aware of that misery than I would have been if I had grown up in it. This is why it would be more painful to lose everything now that I know what the difference is. All of us can say that we are in the position we are in because of the decision of our parents. That is the definition of being a DREAMer. But none of our parents acted out of malice, the whole reason why we are in the position we are in is because they love us. My parents were born into a hopeless situation, and my father saw an opportunity to make sure we had a better life. He did not act out of selfish self interest, he acted in our best interest. He did the best he could given his circumstances and took his chances and took advantage of what little opportunities he had. To have done any less would have been selfish.

I know not everyone's situation is the same. But before we even ask the question of whether we "blame" our parents, you have to ask yourself what your life would have been otherwise. The only real point of reference I have are my cousins back home who are of a similar age as me. None of them were able to go to school and get an education. They all work crap jobs that pay almost nothing. They all live in a tiny house where they are all cramped in there and everyone works just to keep that tiny roof over their head and a bit of food on their table. The concept of having their own room would blow their minds. They constantly fight with each other, and most of them drink to temporarily forget their problems for a while. None of the guys are married or even dating because no girl wants anything to do with that kind of poverty. Only one of the girls is married, the others are still single because no one there is good enough for them and they come from a poor family so those that are well off don't want them either. In part social media is kind of responsible for that, it wasn't so prevalent 30 years ago so the poor married the poor more easily than they do now. None of the guys could even afford to move out and start a family even if they wanted to. So that could have very easily been me, poor, uneducated, with no opportunities and little hope of starting a family.

So was my parent's decision worth it, despite my current situation? That depends on what our fate as DREAMers ultimately is. But overall I think it was. If I get sent back, then it will suck because I am in my 30's now so it would be hard to find any kind of job. But I have a bit of savings. Not much, but maybe enough to start a small business or something. That's a foot in the door that I would never have otherwise had. If I'm smart about it, I can use my small savings to start a business that I might be able to live off of. That would be huge where I am from. It could grow into a comfortable life, and I would be in a good position to raise a family. At the end of the day the American Dream is Home, Family, Business. Thanks to my parents decision to come here, I was able to put some savings away in the bank and I might be able to make the American Dream come true for me, just not in America. That bit of savings alone might have been worth my life here, no one else in my family back there can ever even dream of their own business because the capital is non-existent for them.

So to answer the question, do I blame my parents? The answer is I can't blame them. After carefully considering their lives, their circumstances, and the reasons for their choices, I have realized that there is no blame that I can place on them. If you want to place any blame, place it where it belongs: the crap governments where we each come from that made life impossible for our parents in the first place. If I were to blame them, then I would lose the only people who I have in my life that truly care about me. And I need them now more than ever, because whatever happens to us, at least we will be together.
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