My grandma is dying.

I guess this is a good place to finally start talking about some of my issues. I bottled up this entire thing since the beginning when we found out she was diagnosed with inoperable brain tumor. I feel like my folks and my girlfriend(American) cannot comprehend my feelings, but you guys could probably get this.

A little background, my folks left me to my grandmother when I was a kid to come here so I pretty much grew up with her. Ever since I found out about her situation Im having hard time dealing with my emotions and probably some sort of mild depression.

The overwhelming feelings of guilt are taking over me. As a lot of you know, I joined the military to fix mine and my parent's immigration status, so over the last 3-4 years I was busy with my own life. My grandmother lives up in new york with my uncles and I feel guilty that I haven't spend enough time with her. I got back from my military training for almost two years now and I was just so busy in my little world with school/work and didnt even make much effort to at least call her once a weekend/month. Last time I spoke with her was mid-March when I went to disney world on a short school break. She called me to let me know shes leaving to go back to China and she wanted to hear my voice before she leaves. She said she only called because she knew I was on a break from school.
She said normally she wouldnt call me because she didnt want to distract me from my schooling. I am such an asshole for telling her I have to hang up early because I was enjoying myself at disney...

She is the sweetest chinese lady you will ever meet. Always made sure I was fed and prepared to go to school every day. She was the first person I told when I got accepted into Cornell and my program at the med school. She was so proud and I just feel so so so bad for not spending time with her every chance I get. I will never forget the smile on her face when I came home on military leave and told her Im legal now. She started weeping a bit afterward and I think that was the first time I saw her cry since my parent's almost divorce*. She is a tough lady and I will never forgive myself for this... Its just hard to breath thinking about all this...

I'm a fucking piece of shit

I feel ya my bro, we sometimes take life for granted. I lost my grandma and I was never able to visit her back home because of my status. She was the one who raised me when my parents were out to work. I miss her terribly, some people wouldn't understand the love.

I just dont know how to deal with death in the family. Last one was my grandfather, but I was only 3 so I dont remember much.

I was separated from her after I came here at age 10 and I didnt get to see her again until 9 years later after she got her green card through my uncle.

Don't feel too bad.
The most important thing here is that you have accepted what you did wrong. We often take things for granted!

This Sunday will be my grandmother's 1 year anniversary since she passed. I loved her to death!

Only 2 regrets We never celebrated her birthdays as a family & my uncles didn't take her to Mexico when she was healthy (she was a GC holder)

I’m so sorry about your pain, my grandma just passed away too, till this day I’m very heartbroken and your right, not a lot of people can understand that pain. My grandma literally raised me by herself, she was the one I could confide in and she would never judge me or anyone else. She was just as sweet as your grandma.

One thing I know your grandma would not want you to do is feel guilty. She will forever love you no matter what.

learn from this and make time for those who are left

This is a very costly lesson. Yeah, for sure.

and thanks guys, I dont feel a lot better, but Ive calmed down now.