What to do if apprehended?

With things being the way things are, let's say that there is a night time visit from our local friendly SS...

What should one do? Accept a voluntary self departure? Stick it out and try to get a hearing?

stick it out and get the hearings. you back up the system even more. probably take years before you're deported. in the meantime you can get a SS and work still.

At your home? They can’t come inside unless they have a warrant SIGNED by a judge. Google image search ICE warrant; you’ll notice the difference from a Homeland Security “warrant” and one from a court. They need a court warrant to come inside. Don’t open the door for them. If there is a way for them to show you the warrant, do it.

Look up aclu’s immigrant rights

In my case, I have a lawyer on retainer so hopefully i'd be allowed a phone call to a family member to call the lawyer's office. What happens then is I'll probably rot in jail for a few years until all my lawyer money runs out and then I'll rot in jail some more until they can find somewhere to send me to.

Your mileage may vary as the white dudes say.

Well here's the thing - I don't see any reason to rot in immigration jail for months or years. As much as I'd rather not return to my home country, I'd rather go back than lose some part of my life and be sent back anyway.

It depends on what country you came from. If it's a first world country or a semi-decent developing country, sure go back and enjoy the rest of your life without fear. Other countries can throw you in jail as soon as you go back too if you're even accused of being of the wrong political party, religion, or whatever else they can come up with.