Does anyone blame their parents? - Page 3

Like many here, I don't blame my parents either. I don't know what I would be if I were still in Mexico. I mean, I wouldn't have as many opportunities that I CAN have here in US. We're still limited to our dreams, but I know one day the dream will become reality.

I don't know what life would have been like if I had stayed in Brazil.
There are so many things I can think of.

I would probably have a car by now.
I don't know if I would have passed the test required to enter a college. Truth is, I'd probably be still struggling with it.
I don't know if I would have a job right now.
But all those things would have been because of my own will.
I don't know how life would have been for me if I had stayed in Brazil.

I think coming here and going through all these hardships has taught me how to value life, and opportunities, and what we have.

If I had stayed in Brazil, I would've probably grown into more of a depressed person than I am today (and that's saying a lot, I'm still very damn emotional).

I wonder if my first boyfriend wouldn't have died if I had stayed in Brazil. I wonder how my choices would have affected him.
He used to be a wonderful guy. He didn't do anything wrong. He had a heart made of pure gold.
After I left, he waited for me for a year. After that, he turned to drinking, and he was just not the same person again. He also got a new girlfriend.
But even after so many years, I still can't help but wonder.
Would I have affected his life more if I had stayed? Would we have been together? Would he not have died, by maybe a miracle of destiny?

I don't know if I would've become a good person if I had stayed in Brazil.
I don't know if I would've grown into a hard working person.

I actually don't know if I can even speculate much.
I guess that right now both choices have their good and bad sides.
If I had stayed in Brazil, I wouldn't have to face the hardships I'm facing here, but I think hardships would have come anyway. I'm thinking specially from within the family.
I honestly can't tell if I would've tried suicide again or not.
I would've definitely kept my friends there, who cared deeply for me and wouldn't have left my side, unlike many cold uncaring Americans I met here.
But by coming here, I learned what it's like to really struggle with life. Not having money for even your basic needs sometimes. I haven't been to a doctor for years, even though I really need to. I'm in constant physical pain from this or that, but my choice is simply to bite my lip and get over it. Never been to a gynecologist, like any girl should.
Being shunned. Being looked down on. All those things sound terrible, but a wise person would know that they teach you quite a lot.
I'm not as caring and affectionate as I used to be. America has definitely turned me into a much colder person. And a much more secluded person as well.
I rarely ever talk about my inner thoughts and feelings with anyone these days. And it becomes harder and harder to speak up. This culture is definitely not open to other peoples' problems and emotions. You always hear something negative about yourself if you try to talk it out. Your choices are either being shunned even more, looked down like you're just a plain weirdo, or just suck it up and bottle it up, deal with it all by yourself.

By coming to know all of this, the neglect, the coldness, sometimes even inhumanity, I know I have learned a lot. I will be much harder to get to and hurt. I'm a stronger person, because all of this has not killed me yet.

But there's gotta be an end to everything in life.
The end of all this is near, and when it comes, I hope to fix myself, both physically and mentally, shake the dust off my clothes, and keep walking straight ahead in the path of becoming a respectable, proud, and wise adult.

I honestly hope to one day be able to not require the help of anyone in life.
I wanna stand on my own two feet, and be the one GIVING the help instead.
And if I can't achieve that here in this country, I'll achieve that somewhere else. No matter what.

Sorry for the long rant.
Sigh.