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DAP Forums > Other Topics > New Members

Please Read Me!!!! I"m Alone

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#1
04-17-2009, 09:02 PM
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From Sao Paolo, Brazil
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I came six years ago with my mother; she then went back and left me with my siblings after some years. My sister wasn’t nice at all after she left, as she doesn’t see how school is so important, and she only cares for things that affect her in someway.
My freshmen year when my mom was really good, I had a 4.37 GPA and I felt really confident about my “smarts”, especially when I back then I had about three years knowing English. And the high school I was going to was a “magnet”/college prep school, that the only way to get in is by taking a test. I was top dog!!!!
Well the after my mother left me, the next school year I started to screw up. My sister was all over me, finding an excuse for start arguing and make me feel like $&*. Without any parents at the age of 14 was hard, especially when people that aren’t your parents don’t’ really care if you go to school, and have a normal life.
I also was threatened to be sent back to my country because I wasn’t obeying my sister (Sometimes I would forget to take out a bag of trash) But the real reason is that every time she has a problem, I’m the one that she takes me as an anger management tool and expels all of her anger at me. (Once she threw me a cell phone and broke it on my head in half.) Especially after he “husband” left her with a pair of twins.
It has been really hard, since sophomore year I learned that many of my friends started to drive, work, and drink. I was left out of everyting for the reason that I don’t have a car, I don’t like to drink, and well without a car in Kansas you are bound to find no jobs. (no, not even the metro system works) I definitely felt lonely, with no parents and not one to talk to.
That year I didn’t do good, and I even go depressed (shaved my head once also) And its pretty a twisted experience to come home every day and have absolutely no one to be with (well except a bitchy sister, but she doesn’t count as company), and the walls lacking of good lighting from the poor windows of an apartment started to take away my sanity. It’s like being stuck alone in an island!!!!
Well I consciously didn’t know I was depressed, well I knew I felt bad. But when summer vacations came, my sister and I had so many problems that it was a plan for me to go back to Honduras… and she also decided to move to New York. I felt really sad to leave such a good school (I also moved to NY with her) , it was the only thing that I had, my education. Well during the summer I was so expressed an anxious about the situation that I started to feel like I couldn’t breathe when I slept, so night became nightmares to me.
The next year (which I ended up coming back to my old school because NY is so expensive) I was so depressed and tired of being depressed that I went to the free clinic and got a hold of a doctor, a psychologists that helped me. But I was still suffering painfully, especially at nights. I ended up taking medications for a while, but that wasn’t pretty (PLEASE READ ONE OF THE THESES NOTES AND U”LL SEE WHAT HELL I WENT THROUGH WITH MEDS, especially if you read the 8th one by Marilyn http://www.mytherapy.com/discussion/...ld%2Cturkey%2C ) Please read it!!!!
Now my mind is so twisted, I don’t take meds any more, but all of this has made my life so twisted. There are nights that I feel like I’m going to die because of the anxiety that I have developed. Depression is still hitting hard, and my grades are not as good they should be. Today it was the awards ceremony in my school, and I didn’t get absolutely anything… And a senior got a scholarship to Harvard (a scholarship that I know I could get so easy) and it feels like its too late now, I’m a junior an my sophomore and junior grades are less than perfect. My ACT score is 22, and I think it is because of the anxiety… every time I get a timed test my mind gets blocked, it’s so annoying!!!!!
I’m so mad. I can’t believe my opportunities are gone. My GPA is 3.27…and I know it sounds like I’m just doing drama, but I just know that I can do better, plus being the best was the only way for me to get scholarships, and that now many schools like NYU, MIT, U of Chicago, Berkeley, and Harvard are gone for me. The only thing I have left as a tool is getting a really high score in my ACT next year before I start applying.
I’ve been alone for about two years now, and IDK what else to do. I’m out of steam, and I can’t just go back to my country. My parents are sick, and my dad could any day die. If I leave I won’t be able to one day be what I want to be (an economist) and I would have to work for living, not working of joy of my career. I get panic attacks almost all Saturdays (when I’m not at school) and IDK, even death doesn’t seem like a solution. I’m just trapped in my own twisted mind, my sanity is gone, and I don’t feel human. Science was spirit lifter, but now I can’t even pass an exam above 44%, and science is not soothing no more. I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep a full night without the demons molesting me (sometimes I can’t sleep because I feel like I’m having a heart attack, or I feel like I’m just falling backwards forever) ITS FRUSTRATING WHEN I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO ONE!!!!! And sometimes I try to tell my peers at school and they ignore me, and many call me a creep because of the way I act (sometimes I get burst and do things as if I was hyper.) I have absolutely no one, when I talk to my family back in my country they are so indifferent about me… they can ask for 20 minutes the same question through the telephone… “ so what’s up?”… And I feel so left out. Its painful when they don’t tell you that they actually miss you.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?… I’m SUCK A COWARD TO KILL MY SELF, BUT LIFE IS HELL FOR ME!!!!!!
Last edited by Irvinsote; 04-18-2009 at 10:21 AM..
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#2
04-17-2009, 10:35 PM
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Wow that's tough man. Hey don't say you have no one, you got me as a friend if you need one. Although I'm somewhat of an asshole part time.

Sounds like you need some hobbies too man. Running helps me clear my mind, go to the gym. Lay off them books for a minute, not too much though. Go get laid.

Did you develop your depression, after your parents left?
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#3
04-18-2009, 12:29 AM
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That is really hard. But you gotta keep on going ahead. I lived alone for many years. My parents basically disowned me as well. It might sound strange, I'll tell you lifting weights is what really carried me. After a while, your body will start release endorphins after every training session. Or anything that gives you pleasure and lets you forget about your problems. Don't stop having a positive outlook. Because it is dreams that get you through tough times. After rain, sunny day will come.
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#4
04-18-2009, 12:35 AM
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Wow.
It sounds like you really do have a lot going on. You remind me of me.
I've been through depression most of my life, and I've had tough times like yours too. I understand. Hopefully you can find comfort in knowing that NO, you are not alone, you are not the only one going through things like these.
I came to the US and lived with my older sister for a year as well, I wouldn't say she is a complete bad person, but she's made some really poor choices in her life that screwed mine pretty bad. She used to be my idol, the one I looked up to, but when I came to the US to live with her, I slowly changed my opinion.
She got married to an a**hole to beat her up and tried to kill her several times, besides cheating on her of course (he burned down our whole kitchen once, after coming home drunk at 3am), and he's tried beating on me as well.
But... I could go on and on about that.
The reason why I was brought to the US at first was because of my severe depression, in one of my many attempted suicides when I was younger, in one of them I almost succeeded (drank poison), so my mother, instead of trying to understand what would make a thirteen year old girl want to die, got extremely pissed at me, asked me "What would others think of me if my daughter died?", and sent me here without my consent cuz she didn't want me around anymore.
(It worked out for my sister cuz she actually wanted me away from my mother)

In any case.
I shared some of my story with you cuz I wanted you to know that you are indeed not alone, and everything you're feeling right now, there are others who are feeling it as well, or have felt it at some point.
I know it's hard, but you're a very smart and strong person, you've held on until now, you can hold on longer. It IS hard, I KNOW how hard it is, how you start believing there is no light at the end of the tunnel, that there is nothing left for you. But THAT IS NOT TRUE.
Things WILL change - life is made of change. Keep your strong grip, there are things you can do to keep your sanity. Exercise. Keep your body fit, it will help your mind be healthy as well.
Go out and run. Run until you can't feel your legs anymore. Exercise until your body is tired enough so you won't be thinking about the things you normally think about.
Do drills, jumping jacks, push ups, crunches, sit ups, practice your kicks.
I've joined a martial arts class about a year and so ago, and I find that it has helped me SO much, it's not even funny.
I know you might not have the money for martial arts classes right now, but you can exercise by yourself until you find a job.
Believe me, there ARE ways. Just ask.
We are here to help you.
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#5
04-18-2009, 12:37 AM
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Also, here's a quote that might help you as well.

The darkest hour of the night comes right before the dawn.
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#6
04-18-2009, 04:00 AM
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go out and breath some fresh air, take a stroll around a nice park, it'll help u relax.

I do a lot of stuff that keep busy, like working out, reading, and playing video games. Weekends are never enough for me lol

yea i also had da problem about da not being able to drive, but its alright since i moved to the bay area in which transportation is pretty easy, and alot of people dat i know actually dont drive since they can pretty much get around the city easily with the metro system
Last edited by plOp; 04-18-2009 at 04:03 AM..
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#7
04-18-2009, 05:00 AM
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Being an economist sounds like a good career path, I think.

like ehfornue said, do sports man, that should help some to get your mind busy.

; I know exactly what you are feeling but first things first, get rid of that sister man (not literally), she is definitely a bad influenced for you, try to get another place or something.

Negative people is what brings you down: try to avoid it, when someone is being negative around you just, close your mind and try to get away from that place, or do something that entertains you; like listen to music or something. And it is important that you get used to it.

I also have a sister that is like that, I don't call her, and if I talk to her over the phone, I just say hey how are you? and then I tell her to pass me over someone else, some sisters just don't get it. I have another sister though that she is amazing and we get alone pretty well.

After you do these things, you are going to start feeling better, and depression is based on bad thoughts.

As far as your family that is in Honduras, hey don't worry about it; I hardly call my family, and they even ask me "why don't you call us", stop calling them too much, and then they will change their tone, or just accept that you are big enough now and getting ready to make your own life, without too much family influence.

Concentrating: I rarely have a hard time concentrating ... But when is happens, it is consistent.. this happens because:
when you have other stuff in your mind that is strong, it dominates. Take a brake, get some air, listen to music or something, and try again, try to focus on something even if it is really small, once you get to focus then you will be able to concentrate.

When you do all this things, and people instead of calling you a creep, they will think you are cool.


Another thing is, Don't Talk to others about your bad situations, because this releases some kind of "negative" Carma, and they will want to stay away from you, (which bring us back to the first thing I said, "Stay away from negative people"), you can talk about it when you find someone that you feel confident about that will bring you positive thoughts, and do it partially, don't blast them. (you can talk to us though)

Get some hobbies to get your mind busy, and you should be able to get some self steam back

Also: be sure to stick around this site, and participate, this should also help you forget your dark past; because take it as it was on your past, from now on - from today and on, this is the first day of the rest of your life, live well, and positively

and finally, you are not alone: a-lot of people go through worse; though don't mind if you are alone, sometimes I am alone, and I love it. (doesn't mean you can't meet new people)
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Last edited by john_smith; 04-18-2009 at 05:20 AM..
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#8
04-18-2009, 10:20 AM
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Actually, I Do workout. During the winter I do swimming at school and the spring time I do track.. and yes, it helps A LOT. Especially afterwards, and I even go to sleep like I used to before I had any of this crap.
I'm also a music addict. I have an ipod and I can be on it the whole day. Sometimes I day dream with it a lot... that's why I don't like it, because after a while I feel like "bllaaahhh" listening to music and daydreaming things that are not real.
It is also weird, I just really need to keep my head so busy that I can't think about anything else... that's how I need to keep myself so I won't get so crazy. I'm 17 years of age, and sometimes I do have coherent thoughts and I know I'm too young being so "worried". Its just that there are some times when I'm totally alone that it gets freaky.
Like on Friday's evenings, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings. I hate the sunset... as random as that might sound, I hate because it reminds me of how alone I am, its so dark, and if its during the weekend I know its time that my "friends" might be at a party...
And lastly.... that you all, I really appreciate it. I didn't feel a bit comprehended for a time... I guess its because the therapist that talks to me isn't illegal (the same with other people) and they just see it as me not wanting to do anything. If I was legal...HAH! I would be doing so many things, starting by working as an intern in a Credit Union (sadly, I won't be able to apply there because of my status lol )
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#9
04-18-2009, 05:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Irvinsote View Post
Actually, I Do workout. During the winter I do swimming at school and the spring time I do track.. and yes, it helps A LOT. Especially afterwards, and I even go to sleep like I used to before I had any of this crap.
I'm also a music addict. I have an ipod and I can be on it the whole day. Sometimes I day dream with it a lot... that's why I don't like it, because after a while I feel like "bllaaahhh" listening to music and daydreaming things that are not real.
It is also weird, I just really need to keep my head so busy that I can't think about anything else... that's how I need to keep myself so I won't get so crazy. I'm 17 years of age, and sometimes I do have coherent thoughts and I know I'm too young being so "worried". Its just that there are some times when I'm totally alone that it gets freaky.
Like on Friday's evenings, Saturdays, and Sunday mornings. I hate the sunset... as random as that might sound, I hate because it reminds me of how alone I am, its so dark, and if its during the weekend I know its time that my "friends" might be at a party...
And lastly.... that you all, I really appreciate it. I didn't feel a bit comprehended for a time... I guess its because the therapist that talks to me isn't illegal (the same with other people) and they just see it as me not wanting to do anything. If I was legal...HAH! I would be doing so many things, starting by working as an intern in a Credit Union (sadly, I won't be able to apply there because of my status lol )
Usually,I don't read through the 'New members' forum but I thought I'd interject because of certain details you've posted.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Novela View Post
Also, here's a quote that might help you as well.

The darkest hour of the night comes right before the dawn.
This is actually very true in some regards.It is just that Irvinsote may not know it yet !
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#10
04-19-2009, 10:16 AM
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But that means that not only do I have to file as a "foster kid" (i've heard its not that fun at all) under the State custody, but then the court has to "declare" that it is not in my interests in returning back to my country (like being harmed). And I also have to file to be a foster kid with no other choice of going back with my parents (and well I still love them ) .... I feel like doing it, but the foster part is really scary, especially when they put you with new families... and most of them do that to receive money. And many of these kids suffer abuses and things like that.
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