Could someone critique my explanation!

Last thing before sending in my aplication.
I need a critique of my i765ws explanation.
I feel it's too long and not formal enough... ( I was never good at this)

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Annual Income : 2000
Annual Expenses: 8000
Current Assets: 0

Dear Sir/Madam,
I am wholeheartedly intending to take total advantage of my deferred action privileges. Attending and completing a degree at an institution of higher learning, entails just one of those commitments. My current income presents a hurdle, in which I am unable to afford the tuition needed to further my education. I would also like to aid in my house hold expenses, which is currently subsidized by family and friends. An EAD would help exponentially in abating these costs, providing the opportunity needed to achieve my dreams.
"""

you should explain more on the income and expenses like how you get your income and what do you spend it on ex) food, clothes, college, etc.

Leave out sir or madam and get to the point IMO. If i were to adjust yours to how i wrote mine (with lawyers presence) it would go something like this:

My current income consists of (ENTER HOW YOU MAKE MONEY). My current expenses consist of (ENTER YOUR ANNUAL EXPENSES). I am in need of employment so that I may contribute to my household expenses, which is currently subsidized by family and friends. Obtaining an EAD would also allow me to fund my undergraduate education.