JOKES--read when you feel you need to laught a little

juang · 03-25-2006, 02:37 AM

This thread is for jokes and funny stuff. Feel free to add any joke you know or have seen somewhere else.

I'll start:

Quote:

The International Rules of Manhood

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.

3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his buddies.

4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.

6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At
that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's
choice.

8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and
only when it's free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another guy in the nuts.

13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see
anything.

16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as
much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both, that's just greedy.

19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours,
except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
(b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing:
i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations,
an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone.
Hang up if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend"
have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and
guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the
discussion about what a big mistake it was occurs.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of
story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below.

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you
still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and
having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

The International Council of Manhood, Ltd.

juang · 03-25-2006, 02:42 AM

Quote:

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart
Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?" "Stay! Stay!" The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said, "Why don't you just put it in park?"

juang · 03-25-2006, 07:59 PM

Quote:

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.

IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in an 10X10 cell.
AT WORK............you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK............you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON............the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK............you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON............you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.........you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON............they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON............all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK ........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON ..........you must deal with moronic sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called directors or managers.

That's life!

juang · 03-29-2006, 02:06 AM

Quote:

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and
>went to heaven. At the gates, Saint Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been
>such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward
>is you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven."
>
>Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out
>with God."
>
>Saint Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.
>
>God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who
>invented motorcycles, eh?"
>
>Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
>
>God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's
>pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?"
>
>Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but
>aren't you the inventor of woman?"
>
>God said, "Ah, yes."
>
>"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major
>design flaws in your invention
>
>1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
>
>2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
>
>3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
>
>4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
>
>5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
>
>"Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on."
>
>God went to his celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited
>for the results. The computer printed a slip of paper and God read it.
>
>"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur,
>but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than
>yours."

juang · 04-04-2006, 01:02 AM

Quote:

Barbecue Season Is Coming!

After the long months of cold and winter, we will soon be coming up to

summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on

the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking as it's the only type of

cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of danger

involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put

into motion:

Routine...

1) The woman buys the food.

2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.

3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with

the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is

lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:

4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....

5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.

6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks

her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the

situation.

Important again:

7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine.....

8.- The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces and brings them to the table.

9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:

10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off." And, upon seeing

her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

juang · 04-18-2006, 02:01 PM

girl walking into a pole.

http://www.crapville.com/video_holder.asp?ID=896

lilbawler2001 · 11-16-2007, 09:57 AM

http://www.break.com/index/prank_call_to_hotel.html

OptimistinDenial · 11-16-2007, 05:27 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8Kyi...eature=related

juang · 11-16-2007, 05:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by h3wlett

sigh. juang.

sigh.

what's your problem with me?

I know you don't like me and I don't like you either, but stop with your pointless comments

fldude13 · 11-16-2007, 05:51 PM

I found this yesterday, might give you guys a laugh. However, for your own sake and sanity, please do not wander around that site. I'm serious, You WILL be offended. Don't say i didn't warn you.

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Michelle_Malkin

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JOKES--read when you feel you need to laught a little