Hi

Hi, I've lived in a mixed status family for almost eight years, I am now 21, and when I realized that it would be the same way for approximately another decade I decided to isolate myself from society. I live in an "upper-middle class" neighborhood yet my family struggles to pay bills and rent. I can't stand the possibility of making the wrong kind of friends and later being humiliated due to my legal status and my inadequate spot in this society. I guess I am being very demanding but this is a very superficial society and it's hard getting to trust people.

I rarely leave my home. I don't have a driver's license therefore I only limit myself to driving to college which is about 15 minutes from where I live. I live in the suburbs, I basically saw every single store or shopping center within my first year of being here. There's nothing interesting left in here for me to see. I fear driving down to Houston where all the interesting stuff is (concerts, art galleries, museums, etc) plus I don't have a job and I don't like asking my parents for money (it's too embarrassing for me considering my age.) My sister, who is actually a legal resident has gotten into plenty of trouble already, she has cost our family plenty of emotional distress and economic problems. I am in no position of getting into some random accident or simply being stopped by the cops, this would simply affect our economic stability and in a way my possibilities of obtaining a SS#, maybe I am being too much of a paranoid.

I am a computer geek, I spend most of the day in front of a computer screen (escape from reality), this has distanced me much more from people, yet I don't want to abandon my current way of life. I've learned so much about programming languages, engineering, and other things that would really pay off in the future. The truth is that I don't feel comfortable around people anymore. Crowded spaces, meeting new people, and participating in class makes me extremely anxious. My speech skills both in English and Spanish have deteriorated and this is worrying me a lot. I portray the image of an extremely silent/solitary nice guy who no one knows, never gets into trouble, and is always very respectful towards everyone. I have repressed myself way too much, I no longer feel comfortable with who I am. The truth is that I feel like I no longer have a personality/identity. I feel dissociated from my own race (Mexicans), Americans, and the rest of the people as well.

The only communication I have is with my parents who can only do so much for me, my sister has fully integrated into this society, she is basically inexistent in our home and her advice to me is just as good as telling me to get a girlfriend or going to a party and meeting people. Another sister recently moved in along with her three kids, I had to give up my room, I no longer have a space of my own, no more privacy. I feel as if some force were trying to break me down as much as possible for me to realize that I can no longer live like this. My parents and my school counselors tell me to be patient, but with my current lifestyle I fear that when my legal status is corrected I won't be able to follow a healthy way of living and form relationships with stable individuals. I don't know who to look up to anymore.

I am not suicidal in any way although those thoughts cross my mind once in a while. I do think I have some sort of depression and social anxiety. I used to be happy (sane) before coming to America therefore I know my problem isn't a medical one; I really don't want to take up medications to get a temporary fix since my problems are attributed to social circumstances. I feel like my mind is blank most of the time, it is like I've come to a halt and only when I sit in front of this screen can I start living life again. Sometimes I feel like leaving home, learning how to deal with people, and finding someone to marry in order to live a 'normal' life. My parents can only guarantee me temporary financial support to keep studying, but what if this takes a sharp turn for the worst? I would be obliged to make a drastic change in my life anyway. On occasions I feel like going back to Mexico but I guess it's too late for me to start over, I would feel uneasy back in there anyway.

I strongly believe that at this point I really must take responsibility for my own life but the problem is that I try to obey the law to the letter even though the government itself isn't exactly lawful. The idea of getting a job or starting my own business, driving without a license, or enjoying the benefits of a legal resident brings much shame to me. What the hell am I supposed to do with these kind of thoughts? I know most illegal immigrants try to ignore the fact that they are breaking the rules by being here, from what I see it comes off really easy for them to think this way, but not for me, I guess it is in my nature to obey what has been collectively agreed upon.

Thank you for reading and it would be great getting some advice from someone who has gone through this to some extent. By the way, I am really happy for having found this site, there seems to be no other one resembling it, our unique situation and the optimism of some of the majority of you really gives me hope.

Best regards,

Banished

Banished,
I can relate with a lot of what you are feeling. ive been in this situation of ours for about 20 years, and every year since i graduated HS (2000) i feel like im running out of time. I also started to limit my social interactions, mostly in the past two years, slowly cutting friends off. And like you i feel that if and when our situation is resolved i will not be able to recover from the stress and fear that ive had to endure.

But sometimes when it gets really bad, i let myself indulge in the fleeting thoughts that WHEN we do have resolution, that there exists a chance that this weight will be lifted from my soul and i will finally have a chance to live. And even though its a small, miniscule drop of hope, i relish in it.

We cant live a normal life, but we should do our best to try and live our life with out letting our current situation define us, because we are bigger than this. and it would be a shame to look back 30 years from now and realize that we wasted our best years due to something that was brought upon us through no fault of our own.

Like i mentioned, i too have become detached from people due to this, but im slowly getting back to social inter action. I recommend that you try as well using various methods, like this site, or clubs at school (either clubs that share similar interest or maybe a club that consist of DREAMers). I strongly believe that we shouldn't have to go through this alone and that the support of family and friends, plus social interaction is essential to relieve some of the unique stress that we face.

As for not being comfortable about being undocumented, that is perfectly normal. we live in a paradox. It still blows my mind when i sit and try to make sense of how people like us, who know this country's history,culture, language, who love this country, aren't really a part of it. Only way ive learned to deal with it is be trying my damn hardest to come to terms with it. remember laws are relative, it was once outlawed for african americans and women to vote, slavery was the rule of the land, and segregation was a way of life.

stay strong, and dont let the situation define who you are.

Hey, there is no need to feel sad about our situation. Yes, we are somewhat underprivileged than our citizen friends but I think we should make the best of the situation. Like you said, you've learned a great deal about computers and maybe you can use that skill to build your own PC, write new programs, etc. Don't isolate yourself from other people. That's the worse thing you can do for your situation.

Hi Banished,

I have felt like you do, I go back and forth between being depressed and feeling completely normal. I share your fear that it will be hard to reverse the psychological damage our situation has caused. If you do not want to take medication, don't, but explore what is out there for you. I have taken medication before and it did make me feel great for a while but later I just felt emotionally flat so I stopped. Medication is not a cure, but I think it can help some people identify what feeling ok means for them so they can aim for that later without medication. That is how it helped me. If you have insurance try to do some research and find a therapist. There are many styles of psychotherapy, find the one that fits you. I have found psychoanalytic approach works for me much better than cognitive behavioral approach.

I appreciate that you brought up the topic of mental health, it is a taboo topic in the general population and many politicians ignore that aspect of our situation. I personally think everyone who has insurance should have a therapist (a good one). It doesn't hurt.

You have already taken a step towards feeling better by joining this site. You have chosen to do something about your situation and found us. We are not helpless, we are actually quite talented. The more active you become the better you will feel. Not just on this issue but any other that might be affecting your life.

I hope you stick around.

welcome to the site.. i have also felt similar to the way you feel.. i have talked to therapists about my situation but most of them just piss me off when they say "why don't you APPLY for residency".. like if it was that easy..
i try to lead a normal life.. i'm turning 20 and im in college so i see college as a time killer. i had to go to a community college because its the only thing i could afford since i cant take out loans or get federal aid so ill just keep paying and earning credits until DREAM comes through.
my advice to you is take it day by day.. try not to worry so much about what's going to happen and just live your life doing the best you can with the few resources you have. focus on college and take action.. i believe we'll finally come out of this nightmare soon.
i also try to think that there's people out there who have it worse, no matter how bad anyone has it, theres always people out there who have it worse... i always tell myself IT'S NOT FAIR what us dreamies are going through but we must go through it.
my motivation is imaging myself telling my kids and my grandkids that any struggle is possible to overcome but having my whole life as the proof.

good luck and stay active!

Erase / Rewind

Welcome to DAP Banished!!!

We all understand what you are going through but you cannot stop living your life because you do not have some sort of piece of paper that states you are a legal human being. You should take pride in the fact that you are working hard learning different programming languages preparing yourself to live a prosperous future. However, you still need to live in today as well. Not everybody is cut-out to be a ‘public speaker’(myself included). Just find a niche in what you are good at and that you enjoy and do that.
You cannot lock yourself in a room and stare at a computer screen all day. You need to get out of the house. There are a lot of fun things you can do on a budget. Get a bike and ride the hell out of it! Exercise will help you deal with stress, depression and anxiety without medication.

Good Luck!!!!

Welcome to DAP, good to have you here, let's fight hard for Dream.

As for your social situation, GET OUT THERE!!!!

That's the only way you can do it. You just gotta get out there, whether it be sports, social events, and what not. Force yourself, going to an event or a function where you don't know anyone is always tough. I can be pretty shy on first impression too but after you warm up you get more comfortable. I highly highly recommend you pick up sports, maybe running or working out. It really gets you out there and you feel better physically and emotionally.

While happiness relates to our situation, you won't gain true happiness just because Dream passes. Don't let our situation define who you are. Define yourself before Dream passes and keep at it no matter how hard it is. Put the effort to get out there and get to know new friends, it'll be fun I promise.

hey banished,

Most of us are going through the same situation you are going through.

Ive also distanced myself from all my friends, except for those who know about my situation. My only way of socializing is my boyfriend, who was also a DREAMie, but thankfully adjusting his status now.

I dont work either, so im with you on that one! Im 20 and my parents have to pay for my ridiculously expensive classes in a CC. And that makes me feel horrible.

I cant go anywhere by myself either, so the computer is also my little BFF.

Im 20 and if nothing happens in 2009, im going back to Peru and start over :], so dont feel scared if you decide to go back to your own country.

And like someone said upthere, you and us might be in a shithole right now, but think about people who have it much worse. Let's be thankful for what we have :]

Hi Banished

As I was reading your story I realize that I'm not the only one that feels that way much of what you said is the same thing that I'm going through its almost scary. I realize that most of the people in our situation feel isolated. I had friends in high school but when I graduated I stopped talking to all of them and that was one of the hardest things I had to do they were the only thing that made me feel like I belonged. I know it’s hard to think about what’s going on I personally just try to think about what I'm going to do when Dream passes that’s the only way I can keep going with a sane mind. At first when I graduated from high school I was really depress but then I found out about the Dream Act and it has given me hope. I'm 20 about to be 21 everyday that goes by I try to look at it as one less day for my life to change. I want to be Happy again that’s all I ever wanted and I'm sure everyone here want the same. I know that everyone say this but just hang in there life suck but sooner or later our Dreams always come true not when we want them but they do. Hopefully soon really soon.


LostPath.